such as me

Heavy heart

Why do you wait for me?

Standing on a bridge about to jump,

into a raging river of death.

It is peace.

I am enticed by you,

the darkness of night.

Bring me to life so I may sleep.

A flower wilts,

such as me.

Yet there is no spring. 

I am blurred and unconscious,

like a dead man that breathes.

The toxic air fills me,

and I am blank.

It feels good.

CHARLIE BROWN =)

i got a puppy and his name’s charlie… red cloud kelpie he’s sooo so cute.  i think he’s really gona help me in some weird ironic way- i mean he’s a dog, but ppl do say that a dog is a man’s best friend.  he follows me everywhere n its adorable!  6 weeks old.  still gota train him but getting there, puppies r jus like babies they sleep, play n poo.  lol!

no turning back

no turning back, ive made up my mind, im giving ALL of my life this time…

yeh ive been listening to Kym walker awesome artist. 

but i mean that when i say no turning back.  im over the old shit.  its pulled me down to the bottom and ive stayed there stuck in the mud.  And now i am out of it i remember just how GREAT life is!!!!!!!!! 

how can u forget that life is good?   its easy and it can happen to everyone, im sure it does happen to everyone at some point in time.  but ive got hope, ive got joy, ive got peace, ive got jesus!  and i feel so free and light and ready to fly again.

of course there are the battles.  i know life with God isnt easy, in fact its probly harder.  Harder but Better!  i faced a battle this week n ive come thru it thanks to the grace of god. 

i hope i never again find myself back in the place i was a week ago, a month ago…. it was horrible and messy and so many people got hurt becos of my stupid actions.  but Ive come out of it.  Im back to being me, but im being changed into a better person who has a bigger and better capacity to love and live free! 

Jesus is the only way.  the only hope that keeps me going.  the only one to trust and rely on.  and the only one who can free us from ourselves.

when it rains, it pours

sitting here watching the rain fall.  can hear it hitting the tin shed roof that is my home at the moment.  and its pouring…  the rain is pouring and all this shit in my life is pouring down on me aswell.  how do u deal with betrayal and distrust and loss of hope of the one person who is meant to love u unconditionally?  i dont know if u can.  the good old saying of “fight or flight” response… well im running away.  dont have the energy to be bothered to fight this battle.  not this one.  other battles i can fight, i wont run away from, but this one is just too much.

sleep sleep sleep… u can sleep ur life away.  or get up and actually face shit.  the sleeping option sounds much better.

am trying to stay sane… its quite a hard thing to do when u feel like ur INsane, losing the plot, a total nutter lol!  fuck all this bullshit.  am i sane or crazy? i ask myself that all the time.  im really not sure what the answer is.

Art for All?

I wonder sometimes whether my art should be kept hidden, tucked away for no one to see except myself.  but then i think how stupid!!! art is MADE to be SEEN!  just cos i dont paint white lillies and pink butterflies doesnt mean that art should be unseen.  in fact, we need more confronting artists in this world.  Artists who arent afraid to voice their opinion, share their experiences, show their passions… I admire tracey emin so much, shes been such an inspiration to me, to make my work and tell my experiences through my art and not be afraid to be judged for it.  some people love my work.  some people hate it-  but you know what… i really dont care anymore.  Its none of my business what other people think of me lol! so why care so much.  I am made to have a voice.  I have been given the gift of creativity and visual arts to express and explore myself, to put forward my beliefs and experiences in a way which others cant, to produce eye catching pieces of work that go against what society says and accepts.  yes, i love the arts and the voice it has.  it screams so loudly to people that it cant be ignored!  art is for all.  its in your face, whether u want it to be or not.  art is everywhere, there is no escaping it- the only thing u can do is choose to ignore an artwork and what it speaks about.  people need to free up their minds and allow art to move in and take residence, let it dwell and speak to our souls on a level that goes beyond what we understand.  art for all?  i think so.  its just a pity that so many people have closed themselves off from it.

Moving Forward

at last ive woken up from my deep hole of depression that i so often get trapped in, and realised its time to START LIVING AGAIN!!!  i am moving forward from the things that have happened in the past, and getting on with life.  i know that God will bring me through like he always does.  i know i can always rely on his everlasting love and grace and mercy.  how do we get stuck in these ruts anyway? im so grateful that god has come down and pulled me out and now i can finally breathe again for what feels like the first time in months!  clean clear fresh air!  the breath of god has been breathed into my soul and cleansed me and it feels amazing! i know that although there is a rough road ahead, that its going to all be ok.  life is such a rollercoaster of ups and downs- the highs are fantastic and the lows make u want to die… but thats life.  thats wat life is really… this journey of ups and downs and maybe hopefully sometimes just horizontal and straight and stable, but im ready (again) for what life has to throw at me and i am determined to make it thru.  push thru to wat good things lie ahead for me in the future.  the yesterdays are gone and i cant do anything to change them, but wat i can do is embrace TODAY- this moment- and enjoy life!  forgive and move on.  be thankful for the ones we love.  love the people that matter, and love the people that dont matter. 

i am free

i am restored

i am alive again

and its all because of God’s amazing and indescribable grace! if only i could explain his grace…his mercy…his beautiful love for me, for us all.  and he is the god of not just 2nd and 3rd chances, but 1000 chances.  thank god that he is who he is, otherwise i’d be done for.  amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  that one sentence says it all. 

there is always hope, sometimes we just cant see it through all our crap.

peace 4 now!  corina

life, is it really all that?

watching greys and pondering about life.  how did i get to where i am now? its like i just woke up one morning and here i am, this lump of flesh sitting on my couch watching greys anatomy…  i want to be able to love.  i wish i could say my life and my mind was normal but its not.  the pro’s dont even understand so how can a normal person understand?  thinking about addictions- thats right its on greys, talking bout addictions.  the only way to kick a habit is when u’ve hit rock bottom… but how do u know when u’ve hit rock bottom.   sometimes it just seems like the spiral never ends, it continues to go down and down and gets darker and darker.  sometimes life throws us curveballs- big ones! and we cant handle them.  well we can, but just not in the best way.  we do what we think is best.  its not always the best.  in fact, sometimes its the worst thing we can possibly do.  we make these decisions thinking we’re doing good, when actually we’re jus hurting ourselves and everyone else around us.  so, what do we do?  keep going around the same circles?  im not sure.  life.  it can really be a bitch sometimes.