sunday arvo

sitting on the couch n its a sunday afternoon, bored as fuck.  i feel like having a party!  or goin to the rivervale sunday sess haha havent done that in awhile.  under lock and key right now… apparently thats wat friends are for. 

im thinking i might leave perth and go to the UK.  it would be nice to start life over again.  pity the weather there is so shit house, i duno if i could last without the sunshine.  life is already depressing enough when the weather is good. 

had a full on weekend my body feels like a 50 yr old haha like its aging so damn quickly.  it probly is with all the drugs being pumped through it constantly… (not illegal drugs btw i dont do that shit no more).  

need a damn nicotine fix but i cant be arsed going outside for a smoke.  chain smoking is so much fun when u dont have to move.  i could chain smoke everyday and drink coffee and sit in the sun if the sun was out forever.  nighttime is so shit cos its always cold and dark and miserable.  i’d hate to be a nocternal animal.

i think my brain is producing so many random thoughts today cos i am feeling rather anxious.  remember to breathe!!! breathe in, breathe out, keep going and make sure the oxygen gets to my head.  mayb my head is just full of air and thats y im able to talk so much shit lol! 

got the shakes all over my body.  anxiety is a bitch.  u’d think i was having some epiletic fit cos my body shakes that much im finding it so hard jus to type right now cos my hands feel like jello with no bones or muscles just fat flopping everywhere all over the keyboard.

Am thinking i should change my life to something different then wat it is now.  im not sure exactly wat tho.  i wish i was born in the 60’s, i think i wouldve rocked house in that era.  free spirited hippies smokin weed and singing under the trees with guitars oh how i wish i could do that now and not look like a freak haha!  paint love EVERYWHERE and hug anything that moves… was a good era the 60’s.  maybe we should timewarp back to it. 

enough from me today… my head is starting to get confused with all this hippy talk.  need to go for a smoke and clear my head, get some fresh air into the lungs ahhhh…. thats better.  ciao 4 now.

Run away & it all comes back to you

So, decided to take a break from life on the weekend and go on a road trip.  run away from all the shit thats going on in my life.  run away from people.  run away from fears and decisions needing to be made and crap situations and life in general.  had such a bloody good time out on the open road and never felt so FREEEEEE! wind in ur hair, fresh country side, open spaces to run around in.  it was like a piece of heaven for a few days. 

but driving back to perth and the reality of everything started to seep back in.  life’s not all fun and games.  its bloody hard work.  and ultimately no matter how far u run, ur problems will still follow u.  there is no escaping urself.  thats what i learnt this weekend on the road.  i am always with me, i follow myself everywhere.  its a pain in the ass being stuck with urself 24/7. 

so now back to real life where there are real problems with no easy fix solutions.  shall i bore u with all my issues?????????  nah… mayb ill fall asleep and drift off into oblivion… or a nightmare!

waiting for the doctor to come tell me whats the “plan”.  should life have a plan? i wonder, or are we better off just jumping in the car and seeing where the road will take us- no map book, no GPS, no knowledge of anything.  Just Urself and the road.  where would we all end up? probably at the end of life by our own self destruction.

i am my own worst enemy. 

i could self destruct if i chose to, like a ticking time bomb i am sitting here waiting waiting waiting for something to start the spark.  and off ill go with a big fuckin bang!

i just want some bloody peace in my mind.  its so frustrating having to tell urself to shut up all the time.  where is peace? where is calmness? where is the fucking serenity?

bang bang bang bang….my head is pounding with a million thoughts that i cant seem to drown out.  wash them down with a panadol, it dont work.  go to sleep and dream about it.  wake up and still be faced with it. thoughts are everywhere, in ur head, in the air, in the tv set! coming at u from a thousand directions like fierce arrows trying to penetrate ur mind and make ur heart bleed. 

let emotions fall like a waterfall and it ends up a big whirlpool of mudiness at the bottom.  who knows wats in the middle of the mess.  an answer to all my questions?  or simply nothing- just mess.

my head is warped!

The past week has been like groundhog day.  same thing over and over again.  wake up. coffee.  cigarette. draw. another coffee and cigarette.  sleep sleep sleep. dinner. cigarette. back to sleep.

thats what ive been doing for the last week, and the days are going painfully slow.  ready to hit the road and get outta here.  time for a road trip i think.  my head is just so fucked up and this place is keeping me here, keeping me trapped in my own ridiculous way of thinking. 

i confuse myself so much.  i dont know wats right, wats wrong.  ppl tell me and i want to believe them and i cant.  something holds me back.

i had to give away my puppy charlie.  i was too sick to look after him, so he went to a better home where they’ll love him and walk him and look after him properly.  i kinda miss him, he was so super cute.  my mind holds me back from so many things.

warped thinking!   its all my brain does.  yet i dont even know if its warped & fukd up, i jus think its normal.  difficult way to live it is.  if i could escape my mind then i would… i wish we could go on vacation from ourselves lol.  i’d go travelling for months and years on end!  haha!  but that wont happen sadly.  im stuck with myself.  24/7.  it gets tiring being stuck with myself all the time.

mayb thats why ive been sleeping so much.  i just dont have the energy atm to hang out with myself.

the impulsiveness takes over

impulse

spontaneousness

not thinking

acting on… without thought

ends me up in the shits.

painted my nails, had a smoke and thinking wat the world would be like without artists.  writers, muso’s, painters, computer nerds, actors. 

i think the world would be a rather dull place.  but there is a price to pay when u let creativeness rule and emotions fly.  ask any artist, the ups and downs of life are so eratic, so uncontrollable.  it can take u over without even realising. 

up and down, round and round.  the circles make me dizzy.  every day til u cant handle it anymore- and then, ur best work comes out.  why is it that the best stuff is always produced when ur so fukn depressed?  its like ur happy and nothing comes out, an emotional void.  but when ur down u pour ur heart out for the whole world to know.  and everyone can relate to it. 

its those universal emotions that we all have that we cannot escape from.  we can try, but one day they eventually catch up with us.  and it all comes tumbling down. 

down down down like fukn niagra falls.  give me a break from this shit please.

gobbledigoop

life is just one big pile of gobbledigoop… a big mess… a rubbish tip that we live in and have to dig thru to find something thats valuable.  sifting and sifting thru all the crap, it takes it out of u, it drains u like the water being sucked down the bathdrain…a spiral going down that ripples thru every aspect of ur life.

how the fuk do we sort the shit out from the good?  how do we even know whats shit and whats good??? the mind is so decieving, so cunning and vicious and lies to us.  my mind lies to myself and i believe it- so then its not really lies is it- its the truth. my truth.  that i have to live with every single day.

escape the truth the lies the deception how do we fly away to a better place where none of this exits.  that everything is chaos and beautiful and light and butterflies.  the euphoria of the moment doesnt dissapear when u stop taking that drug, stop sleeping with that guy, stop drinking, stop putting on a mask, stop pretending that everything is ok. 

cos everything is not ok.  the world is not ok.  the world is a screwed up place and we have to live in it.  the only way out is death.  so make the most of this life, or indulge yourself in ur flaws so that u live in a deep hole of anguish and pain and depression for ur whole being. 

go back to being a child- where has all our innocence gone?  it evaporates from our souls as we grow up.  tho some of us never grow up, we dont know how to grow up.  stuck in a moment of the past and never moving beyond that point.  not mentally or emotionally- only physically.  we grow old and get wrinkles and grey hair yet dont know what the fuk we’re doing.   how has the human race become like this?  a mass just existing in time.  time that we will never get back.

how precious is time? ask a dying person that and theyll tell u its everything.  but me and you, time doesnt matter.  live in the moment or live for the future- we think we r invincible.  i think i am invincible.  i cannot die. the world is against me on this one. 

its like i am an immortal being.  trapped here.

we alllllll KNOW frogs GO laaaaaaa diiiD AAA di DA

so im sitting here in the swan valley middle of nowhere and im wondering how the fuck i got here?  i think i drove myself.

she drove hers. she id funny bitch um i think the mailub got to her fcace.

um they dont GO glop GLOMP GLOOOOOOOOOOOOMP

CHARLOTTE FUNNY BIATCH!

haha we are drinking malibu and singing to random songs vincluding tracey chapman.  im wondering if charlotte will do the creme shoot again. 

family is being a hoe… dont know wat to do cos im all alone……. theres no one here beside me!!!!!!! but u gota have faith lol!

HAH AHA HA FUKEN SHIT BIO

corina doenst know shit. UWE ARE THALKKING FOTORS and foint o see how how they tuurn out wen we give them to the nie lady at the printersssss. she will be black and she wears a blue cap/.

char likes to think she can rhyme but really shes a WIGGA she wants to be black lol!  shakin that non booty of hers thinkin she’s the damn shit.

i am thinking that maybe i should have another drink… another malibu and pinapple or perhaps a vodka bitch drink…  i like them damn bitch drinks.

tristan has funny toes.  he has webbed feet like ive never seen b4, its the strangest feeling seeing these webbed toes and knowing that i cant escape them.  

she wants to shov the redc luighrt up her dfannnnny corinaaaa

 hahahhahahahahnhahahahahahahhahaha

she sa fu,kt mbitch

watever…some ppl think im tapped but really im jus INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

White walls & beige coloured floors

i have been staring at the same space for 48 hours.  im surprised i havent gone totally insane.

the white walls around me are silent, they dont speak, they just taunt me and laugh

they are laughing cos i am trapped in here, surrounded by white and beige. 

everything is white and beige.

the blandness of the place is seeping in slowly to the centre of my soul, and i dont like it.  i want to see colours and walls with murals.  not white.

the only colours there are, are the colours of the people, and even them are fading into grey.  the clouds hang over everyone like a rainstorm that never dissapears.  it hovers and hovers until the rain comes pouring down. 

there are 2 flowers in bloom, bright pink!  they light up the white and beige place and add the smallest amount of colour.  not enough to change the dampening atmosphere in here though.

no one smiles.  people walk fast paced to get to wherever they need to go in a hurry.  no hello’s.  no waves.  no emotions.  its the white walls and the beige floors that is changing the people, making them like this. 

A light switches on and suddenly i am awake- alert and ready for action.  but there is none.  everything is the same.  day in, day out.  all the same. over and over again. 

WHITE.  BEIGE.  WHITE.  BEIGE.  WHITE.  BEIGE.

who wants to belong to a place like this.  not me.  i want to escape.

who is in control?…i am not

im sitting next to an old lady who is having trouble breathing.  its like every breath is such a struggle just to stay alive. 

the last few days ive had my control taken away from me by the system…but i no how to trick them.  i know how to get back in control of my life.

i thnk one of the worst things in life is having ur con trol taken away from u, whether its physically or emotionally or psychologically.  who wants to be out of control? no one.  thats why we do the the things we do.  

people will trick and manipulate and lie just to get their control back.  ive been in the system now for years and i no all the right things to say, how to act, what to do… and yet wen i find myself free i am not reeally free.  i am still trapped in my own body, in my own head.  there is no escaping you.  you’re with urself 24/7 which is the sucky part. 

i think im overtired and on too many meds to write or think clearly so for now- peace.

ups and downs

up and down.

down and up.

mood is always changing, always moving like a rollercoaster ride.  i never seem to be quite stable and straight and level headed.  thoughts dont always make sense and its easier to sometimes jus sleep the day away.

in my dreams i run and dance under the moon and everything is beautiful, oh so beautiful with dew covered little flowers and green grass and the amazing nite sky filled with stars that sparkle.  i wonder if my eyes still have the same sparkle that they did when i was young and innocent, a child exploring the world and not knowing the pain and hurt out there in the world that fills so many people each day.

the nite time haunts me yet i find it mesmorizing, inviting me in to the darkness and black of night.  it calls my name and i follow the soothing and familiar voice that always seems to find me wherever i am.  i hide and run and close my eyes until the black is gone and i can see clearly again.

Overcoming

overcoming the herdles in life is hard work.  not an easy job, ive found out in my 21 yrs of being alive.  we all face them every day, we all have our weaknesses and struggles and demons from the past- but its whether or not we choose to let them control our lives.  ive let so many things dictate who i am but im really sick of it, just so over it all.  get up and get going…move on with life…  theres better things to do then sit around n feel sorry for urself.  yet even tho i think this, there is a battle that rages on inside me to stay in the same place, or move on into the future.  life is everyday battles and struggles and heartache, and also fun and joy and happiness and love.  what we want to fill each day with is our choice.  the fear of the unknown for so many including self, keeps us back from stepping out and living life, breathing fresh air!  realising that maybe everything i do isnt working for me, i need to change the way i live, change the way i think, overcome the past and live free in today.  this moment right now.  im starting to see that change isnt always a bad thing… in fact its the opposite.  it keeps us on our toes, dancing our way through life and always moving to a different rythem.  im starting to dance to a new song i think.