da da di da dum

after a good peaceful sleep of more then 24 hours ive woken back up to reality.  yes…the same old reality- my groundhog day.  i dont mean to push people away who love me, i just seem to do it automatically.  who knows why?

im sitting in the lounge with a  heated blacket (arrr soooo good) waiting for the tv program to watch.  very mundane.  i cooked dinner and thought about life and wat to do and where to go from here.. got bills up and over my head that i have to pay and not a single cent in the bank.  such is life, right?

i am feeling rather tired and that i could fall asleep right now, even tho i had a nanna nap.  i think im talking shit right now.  my mind isnt seeming to function all that well. damn it.  too many drugs thru the system i think and i must’ve killed at least half my brain cells and destroyed my liver.  “here, have some more drugs” says the doctor…”they’ll help cure ur disease”…. no thanks doc, i tell them.  ur medications are what have put me here in the first place. 

i swear the mental health system here hands out prozac like its candy, and all the sedatives as well.  just sleep ur life away and u’ll end up alrite.  yes, thats how  its works apparently.  do a bit of CBT, confess ur sins and ur saved.  pity thats not how it really works.

doctors are a blessing and a curse.  they’ve helped me lots but theyve also fucked me up a lot too.  gotten me hooked on the valium and having to tell my story as to why i am my miserable self over and over again… kinda gets to u.  but then again, its become normal 4 me to have to talk to complete strangers about the intricate details of my life.

meh, cant be stuffed saying any more. time to watch sum tv and stay warm under my heated blacket =)

How art thou, u judgemental prick?

I decided i hate when ppl think there so  fucking righteous, and hypocrites.  i dont hate the ppl, i just hate what  they do. 

Judge others to make urself feel better.

Plaster on a godly face so nobody knows ur secrets.

People that only wana hang with the “good” people.

FUckers that fuck me right over then go about their business like theyve done nothing wrong.

I am waiting for the time when i will see god’s justice come to pass and everyone is put in there place.  dont u know that we are all worthless pieces of shit without God??? doesnt ppl realise that?  mayb im the only one with enough balls to actually live a real life b4 other ppl and get judged for it. 

maybe everybody jus wants to live a fake happy chappy life, when deep down i know u feel so guilty, but ur too chicken shit to go and talk to someone, to ask for help. 

or maybe im just crazy?  for wanting to be real and not live a lie.  i dont need other people telling me im not perfect and i fuck up all the time, i know that already.  i have to live with myself 24/7, unlike u who see me for ten minutes and judge me like ur so holy urself.

i dont care wat u think about me.  ur probly reading this thinking wat foul language im using or that im really angry, and i am.  but at least i dont pretend to be someone im not.  ppl who get kicks out of looking down on others becos they’re not as good or as godly as them are more messed up then me… cos one day theyll wake up, look in the mirror, and see what a monster they really are. 

i wake up to reality everyday.  and its not a great or even good reality, but its reality all the same.  and you can try run from it but it will always end up catching up with u.  U cant escape from urself, thats one thing ive definately learnt.  U can look at who u r face on, see who u really are, and pray to God that he’ll have mercy on u. 

thats right im saying all the shit that everybody thinks and nobody says.  im not afraid to be judged, im not afraid of wat u think.  in fact- what u think of me is none of my business LOL!  At least im not running from the facts.  and ur opinion doesnt matter to me.  the only ppl who’s opinion matters is the ppl who REALLY love u and know who u are, flaws and all. 

i know that my weaknesses are obvious.  Ive had years of dealing with all of my personal battles being public, right there for everyone to stop and stare.  perhaps thats why im voicing this now. 

anyway, my point is that we’re all just as fucked up as each other- EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.  and without God’s grace we’d all be nothing, just a pile of dust from the earth.  i hope ppl realise that in theyre own worlds, cos if u dont, ull wake up one day and realise what a monster u really are.

peace x x x

corina

As the days go by…

listening to good old silver fox darryl braithewaite- god he makes good music.  cant believe its september already.  got a high distinction at uni for a peice i wrote about cunts LOL.  quite impressed with myself. 

so living between friends houses at the moment, my life really is the definition of a poor art student.  if i didnt have friends id probly be livin in my car or squatting somewhere- fun.  life jus keeps flying by and as i get older wit each passing day i wonder if my life is actually goin anywhere and if i have any purpose at all on this giant piece of land called planet earth.  or mayb im jus a floatin mass of atoms.  i dont think so… atoms cants possibly feel the way i do sometimes.  yet sometimes i feel nothing at all.

Evvvvvvvvveeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy ddddddaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy iiiiiiiiiissssssss soooooooooo looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  minutes seem like hours and hours seem like days.  i drag my feet and wonder how the fuk my feet got so fukn dirty.  why, why, why??? there’s no point in asking why but i do it anyway.  why the fuk do some assholes jus have everything going for them? why do nice guys always finish last? why the fuk do i have to live this life wit all the baggage i carry and why cant i see any fuckin justice in the world??? of course theres no reasonable answers for my questions….

cos thats the way its gona be lil darlin

we’ll go ridin on the horses yeh yeh

way up in the sky lil darlin

and if u fall ill pick u up ill pick u up…

i hope that if i die that song gets played at my funeral.  that and Run to Paradise.