off ya face and onto the page

so many thoughts, feelings, emotions, thoughts, more thoughts, they constantly fill my head.  so much so that i need to let it out somehow… a painting, a drawing, how bout some scribbling or screaming even?  it could work for awhile but then they creep back up onto u, into ur mind like a cancer that spreads.  i have been sitting listening to my friend beth’s writing- its amazing (check out the link so she wrote) and i feel like i have sat and watched a movie in my head whilst listening to her words.  the imagination runs so free, sometimes i think its deadly.

my imagination can be a deadly virus i just dont ever seem to see the symptoms.  why is that i wonder? am i so blinded to my own stupidity?  or so deaf that i cannot hear my own words.  where does our rational come from, and who ever decided what what rational in the first place.. or more who decided what was IRrational….????? hmmmm was it the psychiatrists who were self medicating? (we all know they do it).   write a script up for ur patient and while ur at it write one for yourself.  i wonder if psychs are actually on crack, or if their 6 years of med school drove them all insane.  insane beyond the normal person, they just know how to cover it up. 

i dont know how people cover things up.  honestly i think i might be the worst liar in the world.  i laugh at myself when i know im lying and blow my own cover within seconds lol.  so so so many thoughts to get out, it gives me a headache sometimes.  most of the time i jus push it to the back of my empty head where there’s still room.  but today there is excitement in the air and my brain has picked it up… not literally of course.   but so much happening all at one time, its hard to take it in. 

super sensitive people are us creative lot.  it might be hard for you to understand this but we are a different breed.  Everything we see, hear, smell, touch, feel- is more sensitive then to the normal human being.  Have u ever wondered why creative people are usually the ones with the mental disorders and the ones with the guns to their heads?   its cos we FEEL so much, all the time, everywhere, everyday, every minute and every second.  a force that cannot be explained goes seeping into our pores and becomes like a drug to us.  one word- and an volcano of ideas erupts.  one image- and the blank pages of a book is filled. 

we fuel ourselves on whats around us and whats inside us.   like petrol keeps a car running, this super sensitivity to the world and to others and ourselves keeps us running.  its not like sniffing petrol tho and staying high on it.  there are ups and downs, emotions that are too overwhelming to even describe in words.  only maybe a picture, some fragmented words put together without making sense, a tune, a poem, a dance- can express it. 

how do we live in this constant atmosphere of feelings?   i duno.  im still figuring that one out… 

i must pry myself away from this computer before my entire being takes over and the irrational kicks in, if it hasnt already.  i oculd write and ramble for hours on this incredible psychadelic thing that seems to be going on here in the air but i dont think i could accurately describe it to you, even if i tried my very hardest. 

peace bro’s…

im a lover not a hater

x x corina

Remembering You

 I remember when I was a young girl and met you.  I thought you were funny, an outgoing crazy guy that always knew how to have fun.  You drew people towards you like a moth to the flame.  And I could tell that you loved.  You loved people- all types of people no matter where they were from or what their background was.  You had a cheeky smile and a hilarious personality, that would more then often get you into trouble.  You weren’t just a funny guy though.  I watched as you would put all your time and effort into helping people, serving people.  Doing whatever needed doing even if it inconvenienced you.  You were always ready to go the extra mile, even if you weren’t asked. 

I remember when I was a teenager and knew you.  You were like my big brother.  You always looked out for me and tried to protect me.  You defended me when everybody else turned against me.  You hung out with me and treated me like I was someone special.  You always looked for the best in me, though I struggled so much to see it myself.  You were there when I was hurting.  You were there when I was angry.  Or putting up a fight.  Or causing trouble.  Or just being me.  You were always there.  You made me laugh when I could see no other option but death.  You came and saw me at my worst and still loved me.  When they put me in the hospitals, you were there- playing connect4 with me and the other ‘crazy’ people.  You made me laugh.  You made them laugh.  When you came to those depressing white walled hospitals, you brought with you a sense of hope.  A trickle of light in the darkest places.  You cried for me when I couldn’t cry for myself.  You hoped for me when I had no hope.  You fought for me when everyone else had given up. 

I remember when I went to rehab.  I wrote you letters and you wrote me back.  I kept them as a reminder that someone back home was waiting for me to come back better and healthy.  I still kept them when I came home.  You were across the other side of the country but you still kept faith in me, believing that God would bring me through.  And he did.  And I came home better.  But only for a little while, before I fell back into the darkness.  But even when I did, you were still there.  And you never stopped believing in me. 

I remember when I grew up.  When we both did.  And you were my lover and I was yours.  You walked with me through the darkest times of my life.  You took the blame for what others had done, suffered the consequences that others deserved.  You loved me unconditionally no matter what I did.  I hurt you, and you hurt me, but you never left.  You promised me you would be there until the day I died, and prayed it would be a day in life later rather then sooner.  You stood by me and took it all- the good, the bad, the mess, the anger and pain, the constant tears that flowed from my eyes.  Bu through it all you taught me how to smile again. 

I remember the day you walked away.  A piece of me died, and the regret set in.  I’d driven you away, and this time you were really gone.  I saw YOU for the first time properly.  I saw the pain I’d caused you, the weariness in your eyes, the downcast spirit of your broken heart from me hurting you time and time again.  I saw how you had surrendered up your dignity to love me.  I felt what you felt for the first time, and it broke my heart.  The pain was so much I thought it would kill me.  But it didn’t.  The pain I’d felt for you was only a small glimpse of how you felt- what I’d put you through.  I saw how selfless you had been, and how selfish I had been.  I saw you through the eyes of love.  Not through the eyes of a young girl, or a rebellious teenager, or a helpless addict, a lover, a friend.  I saw YOU.    I saw you how God sees you.  How I should have seen you to begin with.  I saw where I’d gone wrong, where we’d gone wrong.   How you loving me with everything you had, had finally taken its toll on you.  I saw you burn out.  I saw you hit the road and collapse.  But I saw you get back up again. 

I remember you still.  In the dark hours when there is no noise.  When I have nothing to fill my mind and keep me busy.  I remember everything we’ve been through, and I wish now I could have treated you better.  But I cannot take back time.  I cannot change the past- only the future.  And how I see and treat you now.  If you ever wonder if you’ve lived your life right, then I can say that to me, you have.  You loved me with everything in you, and it changed my life.  You gave me hope, you spoke life to me, to never gave up.  You have walked your life IN LOVE.  And when I see you now and remember you, I pray that you have the strength to keep walking in love. 

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Love is patient.  Love is kind.  Love is not jealous, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude.  Love is not self conceited or easily angered.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not be glad about injustice but rejoices in the truth.  Love always believes, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

and im really really missing you.

its come to my realisation just how important our friends are…   they’re kind of like the base of a really good cheesecake- the base itself doesnt taste that great but it holds whats on top together… good friends are hard to come by- and without a good base all the good things of a friendship wouldnt last if love aint the foundation. 

missing my bestie who is currently in the east coast touring and recording, shes so talented =)  im so proud to have watched her come so far!   i remember the first time we met and i took a look at this young 13 yr old girl and knew we would play a huge role in each others lives… i just didnt realise at the time how big lol…

turns out now that we’re bff’s, live together, work together, do pretty much everything together haha!   and shes such a beautiful person inside and out!  we’ve watched each other get older, our lives changing all the time, and we’ve been there for each other through the good and bad.  age is so not even a big deal, im 5 years her older but its like god let us find each other, become friends and watch as our lives became more intertwined.  shes like my lil sis- sometimes i think i annoy her cos im a bit overprotective lol (just a bit).  but as i see her growing up into an amazing woman of god im so glad that God has brought her into my life and we can do this journey together. 

im missing her a lot right now… even tho shes only a phone call away.  but im so proud of everything shes doing and everything she’s accomplished… supermodel, singer… what next i wonder???

i thank god for all my dearest friends out there, those ppl who have never given up on me, walked thru life with me, taken me in, loved me, cared for me.  u all no who u are, and u each bring something special to my life that im so grateful for.  good friends truly are hard to find.  ull find that most ppl will only b able to count there real friends on one hand… im pretty sure i can count mine on two! =)  and thats no way a good thing about me- its about how great the people in my life are, and im just blessed to have them there and for them to let me be part of there world.  if it was about me i think i wouldnt have much to count for, but its about them….  those special people in our lives who are like our angels, making life just a little bit easier and helping u to carry the load. 

we all have those ppl in our lives who we love.  our deepest friendships come only out of love for one another, not ourselves.  its when we put those we love above our own needs, that we reap the blessings of amazing friendships. 

to all my beautiful amazing friends out there, i love u very much =) and thanku for loving me. xoxo

corina