retail therapy only works when you actually have money

Feeling sooo dried up lately, a bit like an old prune sitting in the sun too long.  the holidays are here and happening and im kinda wishing i was back at uni…  missin the uni life ahh thats what studying straight for 3 1/2 yrs does to ya.  i really really wanted to go retail therapy shopping today, but i just went window retail therapy shopping and it sooo didnt have the same affect. maybe the opposite in fact. 

when structure is lacking everything always seems to go a bit haywire i think.  its like in order for me to stay spontaneous and creative and feel alive, i need things in place, or i just go out of whack.  reading a lot…staying inside a lot … and generally trying to avoid the rain.  life seems rather dull atm and yet this is wen i should be conjuring up some great big mighty ideas of what im going to produce for my honours.  i already know what im gona do tho…

some neon signs, some more cross stitching, more photos, more drawing, more writing. more of everything really and ill see where the wind blows me. 

right now is a changing of seasons (not just literally) and im wondering whether this season is going to be a good or bad one.  ppl say its what u make it, but thats not totally true.  some things that happen are out of ur control.  they happen and all u can do is ur best to survive it.       i feel so tired lately and i dont know why…  maybe its the weather.  or not drinking enough coffee haha! 

corina

Ramblings of a begger

The night is long, longer then the day.  its not night but i feel the ddarkness closing in around me like a whirlpool of quicksand.  slowly suffocating me as i try and get out.  but the more i try, the quicker i sink.  My mind is constantly playing tricks on me - it is hard to decipher reality from the imaginary… the real world and the world thats been created in my head.  i wish i could explain to you.  stepping into my mind is not a possibility tho, which is the only way u would ever figure me out. 

The amount of chemicals that are floating around my body and altering my state of thought, or whatever it is… emotions, rationality, intellect… my body has had its fair share of chemicals through it.  im surprised its lasted this long. 

i question whether this body is even real at all.  my dreams seem more real then my real life.  what does this real life even consist of i wonder.  atoms, neurons, magnetic flows of energy that somehow all work together to keep us breathing.  at the end of the day our bodies are just dust.  they will return to the ground and our spirit will live on.  thats why i wonder whether the physical is even real at all.  its just an interim- somewhere that we stay 4 awhile, like when ur at an airport changing flights, thats kinda how life is. 

when all is said and done i am still in this place of the unknowning.  im a foreigner here on this earth.  i want to go home.  this life is hard and painful and unjust.  no amount of police or govt rules or politics or good samaritans can change that.   i cry because i ache to go home.  be free of this body that i feel so trapped in and fly fly fly like a bird.  nothing to hold you down.  i am stuck in a place of ambivilance.  i am so pulled towards two completely different directions.  not even my creative mind can help me, in fact it is probably the problem in most cases. 

how do i control what is uncontrollable… not even all the medication in the world can help.  these symptoms of mind disorders, mental diseases, being fucked in the head- im so sick of it all and wish it would come to an end.  i scream and i dont even know why.  i cry and cant recognise wat it is im even feeling.  i lose my mind to a vast sea of emptiness where nothing and everything makes sense.  i am transported back in time to a moment in history without any warning.  will it ever cease?  i know that we can choose our destinys, where we go in life, but can we choose what chemicals in our brain are released in any single moment?  i dont know… thats one for the psychs to answer.  

if only the darkness would fade away, and i could see clearly.  like a car has windscreen wipers i need wipers for my eyes that would help me to see better.  or maybe just some glasses lol.  not really.  my sight is fine, just not the sight in my head.  putting up a fight takes a lot out of u.  im hoping i can have a break soon…..  but there are no tea breaks in a war.  so its not going to happen.  i am standing on a battlefield wounded and in pain, trying not to collapse, and yet the enemy strikes me again and again.  and then i strike myself to maybe hurry up the process, but it never does.  it only adds more wounds that need to be healed.  people around me stand and fight for me cos i have no strength left.  sometimes u just have to hope and rely on the people around u to get u thru sometimes, or hope that god will see u and have mercy on ur soul.  enough for now.

corina.

and away sails my mind into the deep blue sea

its hard to say what exactly happens when i float away to a different world.  im not even sure myself exactly what it is… a symptom of some mental idsorder perhaps? or just that too much is being taken in and i need to escape from it.  what im talking about is dissasociation.  where your mind just goes blank, or takes you to another place, and u dont know wen ull be back with reality. 

today it happened in my review and i stood there like a stunned mullet not speaking or doing anything really.   not even listening.   how terribly unfortunate for the review panel and my poor supervisor who had to step in as my mouth and speak 4 me.   my mind was numb, my mouth was mute.  and i couldnt tell you what went on or wat was said whilst standing in the room with the 5 reviewers.   i didnt hear a damn thing. 

this ‘dissasociation’ has been happening for years, and its really starting to PISS ME OFF!!!! how can someone lose control of their mind for a minute, or hour, or longer? i dont know.  i am baffled by it.  i am here and then im not.  my body might physically be with u but my mind isnt.  its somewhere else, floating aorund in the air or something like that i think.  

it is hard, coping with this thing- it constantly looms over me and i worry when it will happen next… i dont know.  i never do.  i do my best to deal with this thing that happens in my mind, however it works.  some neurons dont connect with others or something along those lines.   i wish i knew the answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

corina