Silence. 

its not something that people like.

its awkward.

it carries a voice that is louder than words.

silence has power… both good and bad.

i have found in my lifetime that when i have been silent, bad things tend to happen.  not having a voice, or more likely not using your voice, affects the actions of us and others.  it allows things to happen that shouldnt.  it doesnt speak the truth.  it has power over you if you let it. 

i dont know what is worse. 

people knowing whats happened to me, or people knowing whats happened to me and not saying anything about it. 

i need some answers. 

God, where is ur justice? 

Why do people not stand up for what is right?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Are our govt systems in place just for a scare tactic?

Should people be innocent until proven guilty? or guilty until proven innocent?

a deep sadness comes upon me when i know that people know, yet they choose not to speak because its easier for them.  people dont want to get their hands dirty if it means helping somebody else.  why is our society so selfish, so self consumed in everything we do. 

If i could stand up for someone cos i know what happened was wrong, then i would.  im not scared to dabble in the mess of other peoples lives if it means helping them move on.  if my words could help one person, i’d say it.  its the power of our testimony that changes lives, changes people, actually lives out love.

with deep grief i have written,

corina

hello good morning… its 10.20am lol im starting to get used to the waking up early (like 9am haha) cos im back at uni.  dont have a clue half the time what theyre talkin bout…   god is so good! i get a free flights to anywhere in the world YAY!!!!  i cant wait! maybe asia, europe, the US.  hmmm the sky is the limit.  jus need to pay the bills first haha. 

being back at uni is so great.  creativity fuels the mind.  lots happening this year and its gona be good =)

time 4 me to peace out and go to uni.

corina

Ive come to the realisation that technology really does suck.. ironic- im sitting here writing on my laptop about how i hate technology.  but its almost like it has come to a point where it is robing us of any real sort of relationship that we might have with people, that our ways of communicating have turned into a “like” on facebook or following someone’s tweets or stalking a person’s profile on the net instead of actually meeting them b4 u decide to judge them. 

all the hype of the iphone i just dont get.  oh wow it had like 100 000 apps to do anything u want… now you can be so lazy that u dont even have to get up to do something… ITS ALL THERE ON UR PHONE JUST PRESS A BUTTON WIT UR FINGER. 

no wonder gen Y is becoming known as the laziest generation, that we cant hold down jobs, that we dont know how to work hard, that employers dont even want to hire a gen y to work for them.. its not that hard to see why… DUH!  cos looking up a street or road in the actual st directory is such a hard task- we need a computer voice gps telling us “turn right”.  they might as well say “TURN RIGHT YOU LAZY TWIT WHO CAN’T READ A ROADMAP”. 

now  i dont have an iphone, and i dont particularly want one either.  everyone says that u dont know how good it is until u have one but frankly im quite happy and grateful for a phone that jus works to call and txt ppl.  id rather spend 10 mins talking to someone on the phone or in real life then spend 30 mins talking to someone on facebook chat.  its like talking to someone with a blank wall for a face…  how exciting.  have we completely lost our senses and become like robots, attatched to these things called computers…. still, im finding it very ironic that im on one.  genY wat are we doing? sacrificing real people and real relationships for a screen???   yet i find myself with a facebook account and twitter and myspace and a website and blog.  LOL!  all this technology it is doing my head in…

1st entry for 2010.  1 and a half months into a new year and its taken me this long to write again.  for awhile i lost my mojo for writing, my mind blank like a white wall…or beige rather.  but im back now and writing, painting, making art again. 

Last year presented itself with so many struggles.  its hard to see past a storm when ur in one.  but the storm did calm and life is good. not always peachy, actually very hard, but good all the same.  living in a new house, with new housemates (who are amazing), in the heart of Perth our glorious city.  i know what i want and im not holding back for anyone. 

Last year i learnt something.  unless YOU really want something, then it wont happen.  i wasted 6 months of my life and only added to the unending list of issues that i already have, but it wasnt until i got a giant wake up call and realised myself that life doesnt have to be this way.  Life doesnt have to be crap.  it doesnt have to be ruled by darkness.  freedom has come and its fighting its way thru to the finish line. 

i write to you now 14 days sober.  thats right, i quit drinking cos it was ruining my life.  it ruins lots of lives i just dont think that other ppl realise it.  getting off the grog and onto God has turned my world around.  my world that was once so small and insignificant, full of despair and depression, has been flipped upside down and dumped into the trash.  what lies ahead now is a huge world of possibilities.  God opened my eyes to see the things that i was doing was only damaging myself and the ppl who care. 

want to shout from the rooftops that JESUS SAVES!!!!!!!!!!  he saved me and he can save u too.  Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for they will see God.    sometimes you’ve gotta hit rock bottom before you can start climbing your way to the top. 

im excited to see what 2010 brings… what adventure and people and things lie ahead. i am excited about life!  yes it will have its trials… it already has… but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. 

glad to be back people.

stay tuned.

xoxox corina

Coming up to the end of my art degree at uni, thats right- this fri is the big night which weve all been working so hard towards- our graduation show!  so excited!  at least i come out of this degree with more then just a certificate.  looking back on my last 3 yrs of uni and man, wat a journey its been.  all the ups and downs and rounds and rounds but its nearly over.  and then onto a yr of honours lol if i get in. 

saw twilight New Moon on the wknd- twice.  i couldnt believe it that wen i walked into hoyts on the wed night, there was a merchandise stand with everything Edward selling.  feel sorry 4 all those poor teenage girls out there who actually believe there is a man (or vampire) out there like edward cullin.  in a few yrs time theyll experience love and realise its not what they saw on the movies- in fact its hard hard work.  loving someone isnt just a good feeling, its loving them and showing it even when they piss u off or let u down.  Love always sees the best in people. 

its so funny (well not really) how we have this idea of love and romance in our head, and in one moment it can all come crashing down.  No guy or girl will ever fill that entire void that u feel.  No guy or girl can change someone just becos they love them.  i think thats the mistake that people make… going out with someone and trying to change them…. hoping that theyll change cos they love u… but it so doesnt work like that.  as much as i love twilight (& edward cullin lol) it really does set us up for failure in our relationships, if we let wat we see on the big screen shape our ideals and beliefs about love. 

maybe people change becos they love the ppl around them- but they wont change by someone trying to make them.  the world jus doesnt work like that.  people dont work like that.  i wish it was that simple.

talking to this artist today and i find him really inspiring, ive let his work and his words influence me and let me believe that im someone im not- that my art is representing me.  but i realised today, that im not who he thought i was.  maybe i was last yr, or 6 months ago, but the people i am living with now love me so much that i want to change for them- and i have.  slightly lol.  still getting there but ive found that change is a very long road.  that change can often take a lifetime for some.  and some will never change.  they are so comfortable and rigid in their old ways that their heart is stubborn and hard towards something that is new, that could be good or great or the best thing in their world!  it makes me sad, knowing that there are people in the world who will never change- never step out and get over their fears, or challenge wat they think about themselves, or stand up to something that is injust.  life is unfair.  we all get thrown shit in life and its whether we let it take control of us that determines how our quality of life will be.  do we give in to whats been dealt? or fight for a better life. 

hmmm…perhaps ive said too much.  leave u to think about it.

peace. 

corina.

has been a long while since ive written.  things have been crazy busy with end of uni and the festive season beginning, and lots of things have changed.  But the fight is still going on.  Yes, it is a long hard and dusty road that i feel like im travelling on (or trying too at least when i dont fall down in the gutter)… 

this life in perspective doesnt really last that long, but yet things seem to go on forever.  the never ending choices that u have to make so u stay sane.  it sucks the energy out of u.  and whilst i feel like some of the darkness has left me, like shadows, they are still there.  emerging from the night and changing and shifting in the dark, playing with ur mind and whispering to u to come back into the darkness and play.  but at night, when shadows are all around, ive found out that all u have to do is jus turn on the light.  sounds so simple right? but finding the switch in the dark can sometimes take forever.

letting go of the past, hoping 4 the future, and tryin to do the best u can in the present- its a hard road.  some stuff just doesnt seem to want to let go.  no matter how hard u try to pull it off, it sticks on u like a leech, and sucks out ur blood- ur life- in the process. 

surely there is an answer???? an answer to all this madness and to the many questions that plague me daily.  yes- the answer is jesus.  and all we have to do is surrender it to him… its a pity that thats the hard part.  letting go and giving ur life to a god u cant see.  trusting in a miraculous god that created the universe and is omnipresent, omnipotent, yet loves unconditionally.  us mere humans need more help then we think.  Jesus is the answer, but are we really looking for the answers? or just living comfortably in our miserable existence hoping that all will turn out right in the end?  there are 6 billion people alive on the planet- i wonder how many of us are actually living.

Have been thinking about this for the last few days.  Im sure everyone is familiar with the song from Moulin Rouge “All u need is love…..” and it pretty much says it all i think.  actually lol i dont know all the lyrics but i think it says it all in that sentence. 

staying with friends for the last month and they just been loving and loving and loving me.. and it changes u as a person.  living in a home full of love makes u love back- u can’t not.

love changes what u believe. what u think about urself and others.  love helps u to see past peoples flaws and mistakes and u just see the good in people.  i think lol.   think i need to LOVE sum more on people.  love my friends and family better.  love the people i most care about.  love is putting someone else b4 u- so ur not the number 1.  i think love can heal the world… and make it a better place.  4 u and for me and the entire human race LOL good ol’ michael jackson what a legend!  he says it all. 

gtg now, watching Aust Idol and finding it rather mean what the judges are saying and how they critisize so much. 

corina

Been thinking a lot this week.  About life and being here and purpose and meaning and love.  it really goes to show that love always triumphs over evil.  was sitting in charlies 2 weeks ago and tripping out becos of sum meds, and i realised that what i wanted from life was far from just sitting in this hospital bed.  so i made the choice to change, and just trust that God will somehow bring me thru, and he has.  i ask myself what is truth?  is what i believe the truth or am i living in a world of deception.  and i had been living lies for a very long time.  but its a new season, and i know that the only truth that exists is God’s truth.  and his truth = love.  unfailing, unfathomable, overcoming love that doesnt judge or condemn, but just loves.   Nothing in the whole world can change a person like the love of God.  And i know its true because ive lived thru it.  many of my previous posts have been questioning, confusion, emotions. just a jumble of broken mess that i am.  but last nite as i sat and watched my artwork burning in the fire, i felt freedom.  real freedom and like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  i felt peaceful for the first time in months. 

the blog that i wrote the other day- im sorry if i offended ppl by my language.  But im NOT sorry for speaking out the truth.  and that is that we’re all broken, we’re all nothing- unless we have God.  its Jesus who took it all for us, and people who try and hide their brokenness from others and themselves, are going to one day wake up to a harsh reality. 

i seriously cant understand why ppl wouldnt ask for help, but thats just me.  i wear my flaws and my sin on my arms.  ive got enough scars to last a lifetime, and i think its almonst a blessing in disguise.  i cant hide my struggles from people, therefore i have to deal with them.  and by being forced to see who u are when u dont have GOd and u have absolutely nothing is a big enough wake up call for me to flip the switch, turn the tables over, decide to turn my life around. 

i dont want to leave this earth without anything to show for it.  I dont want to die having done nothing for anyone else and just been used by people.  i want to love as much as i can- god and people.  and really thats the only thing that matters.

peace for now

corina

after a good peaceful sleep of more then 24 hours ive woken back up to reality.  yes…the same old reality- my groundhog day.  i dont mean to push people away who love me, i just seem to do it automatically.  who knows why?

im sitting in the lounge with a  heated blacket (arrr soooo good) waiting for the tv program to watch.  very mundane.  i cooked dinner and thought about life and wat to do and where to go from here.. got bills up and over my head that i have to pay and not a single cent in the bank.  such is life, right?

i am feeling rather tired and that i could fall asleep right now, even tho i had a nanna nap.  i think im talking shit right now.  my mind isnt seeming to function all that well. damn it.  too many drugs thru the system i think and i must’ve killed at least half my brain cells and destroyed my liver.  “here, have some more drugs” says the doctor…”they’ll help cure ur disease”…. no thanks doc, i tell them.  ur medications are what have put me here in the first place. 

i swear the mental health system here hands out prozac like its candy, and all the sedatives as well.  just sleep ur life away and u’ll end up alrite.  yes, thats how  its works apparently.  do a bit of CBT, confess ur sins and ur saved.  pity thats not how it really works.

doctors are a blessing and a curse.  they’ve helped me lots but theyve also fucked me up a lot too.  gotten me hooked on the valium and having to tell my story as to why i am my miserable self over and over again… kinda gets to u.  but then again, its become normal 4 me to have to talk to complete strangers about the intricate details of my life.

meh, cant be stuffed saying any more. time to watch sum tv and stay warm under my heated blacket =)

I decided i hate when ppl think there so  fucking righteous, and hypocrites.  i dont hate the ppl, i just hate what  they do. 

Judge others to make urself feel better.

Plaster on a godly face so nobody knows ur secrets.

People that only wana hang with the “good” people.

FUckers that fuck me right over then go about their business like theyve done nothing wrong.

I am waiting for the time when i will see god’s justice come to pass and everyone is put in there place.  dont u know that we are all worthless pieces of shit without God??? doesnt ppl realise that?  mayb im the only one with enough balls to actually live a real life b4 other ppl and get judged for it. 

maybe everybody jus wants to live a fake happy chappy life, when deep down i know u feel so guilty, but ur too chicken shit to go and talk to someone, to ask for help. 

or maybe im just crazy?  for wanting to be real and not live a lie.  i dont need other people telling me im not perfect and i fuck up all the time, i know that already.  i have to live with myself 24/7, unlike u who see me for ten minutes and judge me like ur so holy urself.

i dont care wat u think about me.  ur probly reading this thinking wat foul language im using or that im really angry, and i am.  but at least i dont pretend to be someone im not.  ppl who get kicks out of looking down on others becos they’re not as good or as godly as them are more messed up then me… cos one day theyll wake up, look in the mirror, and see what a monster they really are. 

i wake up to reality everyday.  and its not a great or even good reality, but its reality all the same.  and you can try run from it but it will always end up catching up with u.  U cant escape from urself, thats one thing ive definately learnt.  U can look at who u r face on, see who u really are, and pray to God that he’ll have mercy on u. 

thats right im saying all the shit that everybody thinks and nobody says.  im not afraid to be judged, im not afraid of wat u think.  in fact- what u think of me is none of my business LOL!  At least im not running from the facts.  and ur opinion doesnt matter to me.  the only ppl who’s opinion matters is the ppl who REALLY love u and know who u are, flaws and all. 

i know that my weaknesses are obvious.  Ive had years of dealing with all of my personal battles being public, right there for everyone to stop and stare.  perhaps thats why im voicing this now. 

anyway, my point is that we’re all just as fucked up as each other- EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.  and without God’s grace we’d all be nothing, just a pile of dust from the earth.  i hope ppl realise that in theyre own worlds, cos if u dont, ull wake up one day and realise what a monster u really are.

peace x x x

corina