bullets and butterflies

Posted by: Administrator Post date: July 25th, 2010

2 of my favourite things… they make a good picture when put together.  BANG!  and out come the butterflies all so pretty and flying freeeeeeeee.  fuk my life.  well right now.  sometimes i wonder if the big guy upstairs will ever give me a break…?  surely i cant be that much of a sinner?   lol.  of course i am.   fucking bullshit all the people who are in ur life but not really in it, why cant we have more connection with each other.  speaking to myself right now.  was never much good at relationships haha.

listened to a speaker tonight at church, he was talking about being a hippo… and wallowing.  lol i think thats wat he said anyway.  well i feel like a big fat hippo now, wallowing in my own self pity wondering where my life is going and if there is any chance that some good will come out of it.  sure i paint pretty pictures and take pretty photos-  i also take shocking photos and paint ugly pictures… not bad- just dark and depressive.  cos thats how i always seem to feel.   so much in the dark.  nite times creep up on me so soon everyday and i wonder where the sunshine has gone.  those warm rays of light that soak into your skin… yes those ones.  they are swallowed up by the darkness of the night, leaving me with nothing but a cold wet and dirty dark environment.  everything is black. or gray.  or white.  theres no colour when the sun goes down, thats how light works supposedly.   or matter of fact. 

if only there could be sun and rainbows and flowers and butterflies all the time so that i could sit and stare at them and drift off into my world of euphoria and feel the peace and the love of the trees and living creatures that breathe into the earths very being.  we are so small, our life span so short… a tree lasts hundreds of years and its roots go so deep into the ground.  we as humans however, dont seem to last that long.  we live, we die.  if ur lucky u mite make it to 80… maybe even 90.  but why the hell would u wana be around on earth for that long anyway.  the sooner the better.  ill go back to the garden of eden and live in paradise and all things will be beautiful.  no more hurt, no more pain, no more suffering or sickness or disease.  just a waterfall of love……….    i would like to go there soon.  i feel myself getting impatient.  have i not served my time on this earth, in this prison for long enough?  No. I haven’t.  Because its a life sentence.  bitch.

The sky is falling and i float up towards the heavens

Posted by: Administrator Post date: July 23rd, 2010

The days and weeks and months have continued to go on. 

Time does not stop for anyone.  Or anything. 

I wonder when this never ending cycle will be broken, if it ever will be, and if there is really an eternal purpose in all of this. 

my heart does not stop beating though sometimes i wish it would. 

friends have come,  and then gone.  some have stayed on and bravely soldiered on with me in the battle, whilst others have given up the fight and left me at the front of the battlefeild to fend for myself. 

Apparently sometimes we can get a little bit too messy for people’s liking.  and thats when they go.  I dont blame them.  In the name of god they preach with their mouths and yet they speak contrite to the word.  i wonder if their own heart has been so damaged it hurts them to look at others who seem so defiled. 

what makes someone defiled?  too much for another human being to stand the sight of them?  We look at others and are disgusted by their actions, yet we dont realise that we are looking straight into a mirror… and we dont like what reflection we see. 

So its not a pretty picture….what to do, what to do? i ask myself that sometimes.  and i think well right about now would be a good time to hit up the psychs and get me a script.  Because of course, by societys standards, if we’re asleep, or perhaps just stoned off our head on meds, then we’re all ok. 

I did an art piece in 2007, my first year of uni- it was titled “Prozac Nation”.  my god it was an amazing piece of art.  its a pity it was destroyed from the rain and cold which ran the hundreds of pictures of prozac ink all together creating one big mess.  I wasnt smart enough back then to take pictures of my work… or document it.  maybe its time for “Prozac Nation #2″…. that would be fabulous.

So my time is ticking away and yes im wasting it writing on a computer… something that only a few people will ever read… unless i died then got famous- thats how it seeems to work for artists, only God knows why.  no one appreciates their work until no more of it can be made.  LOL.  how ironic.

the seasons of life are just washing over me.  passing me by like waves hitting the sand.  and each footprint forward i make it is erased by the water’s tide that constantly flows in… a metaphor for my angels and demons i suppose. 

I miss the old times.  good memories were made and terrible ones too.  but at least the people i made those memories with were a part of my life.   they are long gone now.  ‘caring’ from a distance, as they say.  I do not hold much knowledge or hope for the future memories.  they are blacked out by a darkness that is so comforting to me.  I know they are there, they are just covered, unrevealed and unknown.  another decade of hell?  or maybe i will see a little bit of heaven. 

AND NOW- the present.  it is this moment.  and i am floating through the clouds hovering over myself in this time.  watching, waiting, for the next thing to happen.  I see myself from above and below.   I am a stranger looking in.  And yet i am a prisoner looking out. 

i wonder when my time will come.  come for what, im not sure of.

retail therapy only works when you actually have money

Posted by: Administrator Post date: June 15th, 2010

Feeling sooo dried up lately, a bit like an old prune sitting in the sun too long.  the holidays are here and happening and im kinda wishing i was back at uni…  missin the uni life ahh thats what studying straight for 3 1/2 yrs does to ya.  i really really wanted to go retail therapy shopping today, but i just went window retail therapy shopping and it sooo didnt have the same affect. maybe the opposite in fact. 

when structure is lacking everything always seems to go a bit haywire i think.  its like in order for me to stay spontaneous and creative and feel alive, i need things in place, or i just go out of whack.  reading a lot…staying inside a lot … and generally trying to avoid the rain.  life seems rather dull atm and yet this is wen i should be conjuring up some great big mighty ideas of what im going to produce for my honours.  i already know what im gona do tho…

some neon signs, some more cross stitching, more photos, more drawing, more writing. more of everything really and ill see where the wind blows me. 

right now is a changing of seasons (not just literally) and im wondering whether this season is going to be a good or bad one.  ppl say its what u make it, but thats not totally true.  some things that happen are out of ur control.  they happen and all u can do is ur best to survive it.       i feel so tired lately and i dont know why…  maybe its the weather.  or not drinking enough coffee haha! 

corina

Ramblings of a begger

Posted by: Administrator Post date: June 14th, 2010

The night is long, longer then the day.  its not night but i feel the ddarkness closing in around me like a whirlpool of quicksand.  slowly suffocating me as i try and get out.  but the more i try, the quicker i sink.  My mind is constantly playing tricks on me - it is hard to decipher reality from the imaginary… the real world and the world thats been created in my head.  i wish i could explain to you.  stepping into my mind is not a possibility tho, which is the only way u would ever figure me out. 

The amount of chemicals that are floating around my body and altering my state of thought, or whatever it is… emotions, rationality, intellect… my body has had its fair share of chemicals through it.  im surprised its lasted this long. 

i question whether this body is even real at all.  my dreams seem more real then my real life.  what does this real life even consist of i wonder.  atoms, neurons, magnetic flows of energy that somehow all work together to keep us breathing.  at the end of the day our bodies are just dust.  they will return to the ground and our spirit will live on.  thats why i wonder whether the physical is even real at all.  its just an interim- somewhere that we stay 4 awhile, like when ur at an airport changing flights, thats kinda how life is. 

when all is said and done i am still in this place of the unknowning.  im a foreigner here on this earth.  i want to go home.  this life is hard and painful and unjust.  no amount of police or govt rules or politics or good samaritans can change that.   i cry because i ache to go home.  be free of this body that i feel so trapped in and fly fly fly like a bird.  nothing to hold you down.  i am stuck in a place of ambivilance.  i am so pulled towards two completely different directions.  not even my creative mind can help me, in fact it is probably the problem in most cases. 

how do i control what is uncontrollable… not even all the medication in the world can help.  these symptoms of mind disorders, mental diseases, being fucked in the head- im so sick of it all and wish it would come to an end.  i scream and i dont even know why.  i cry and cant recognise wat it is im even feeling.  i lose my mind to a vast sea of emptiness where nothing and everything makes sense.  i am transported back in time to a moment in history without any warning.  will it ever cease?  i know that we can choose our destinys, where we go in life, but can we choose what chemicals in our brain are released in any single moment?  i dont know… thats one for the psychs to answer.  

if only the darkness would fade away, and i could see clearly.  like a car has windscreen wipers i need wipers for my eyes that would help me to see better.  or maybe just some glasses lol.  not really.  my sight is fine, just not the sight in my head.  putting up a fight takes a lot out of u.  im hoping i can have a break soon…..  but there are no tea breaks in a war.  so its not going to happen.  i am standing on a battlefield wounded and in pain, trying not to collapse, and yet the enemy strikes me again and again.  and then i strike myself to maybe hurry up the process, but it never does.  it only adds more wounds that need to be healed.  people around me stand and fight for me cos i have no strength left.  sometimes u just have to hope and rely on the people around u to get u thru sometimes, or hope that god will see u and have mercy on ur soul.  enough for now.

corina.

and away sails my mind into the deep blue sea

Posted by: Administrator Post date: June 8th, 2010

its hard to say what exactly happens when i float away to a different world.  im not even sure myself exactly what it is… a symptom of some mental idsorder perhaps? or just that too much is being taken in and i need to escape from it.  what im talking about is dissasociation.  where your mind just goes blank, or takes you to another place, and u dont know wen ull be back with reality. 

today it happened in my review and i stood there like a stunned mullet not speaking or doing anything really.   not even listening.   how terribly unfortunate for the review panel and my poor supervisor who had to step in as my mouth and speak 4 me.   my mind was numb, my mouth was mute.  and i couldnt tell you what went on or wat was said whilst standing in the room with the 5 reviewers.   i didnt hear a damn thing. 

this ‘dissasociation’ has been happening for years, and its really starting to PISS ME OFF!!!! how can someone lose control of their mind for a minute, or hour, or longer? i dont know.  i am baffled by it.  i am here and then im not.  my body might physically be with u but my mind isnt.  its somewhere else, floating aorund in the air or something like that i think.  

it is hard, coping with this thing- it constantly looms over me and i worry when it will happen next… i dont know.  i never do.  i do my best to deal with this thing that happens in my mind, however it works.  some neurons dont connect with others or something along those lines.   i wish i knew the answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

corina

off ya face and onto the page

Posted by: Administrator Post date: May 25th, 2010

so many thoughts, feelings, emotions, thoughts, more thoughts, they constantly fill my head.  so much so that i need to let it out somehow… a painting, a drawing, how bout some scribbling or screaming even?  it could work for awhile but then they creep back up onto u, into ur mind like a cancer that spreads.  i have been sitting listening to my friend beth’s writing- its amazing (check out the link so she wrote) and i feel like i have sat and watched a movie in my head whilst listening to her words.  the imagination runs so free, sometimes i think its deadly.

my imagination can be a deadly virus i just dont ever seem to see the symptoms.  why is that i wonder? am i so blinded to my own stupidity?  or so deaf that i cannot hear my own words.  where does our rational come from, and who ever decided what what rational in the first place.. or more who decided what was IRrational….????? hmmmm was it the psychiatrists who were self medicating? (we all know they do it).   write a script up for ur patient and while ur at it write one for yourself.  i wonder if psychs are actually on crack, or if their 6 years of med school drove them all insane.  insane beyond the normal person, they just know how to cover it up. 

i dont know how people cover things up.  honestly i think i might be the worst liar in the world.  i laugh at myself when i know im lying and blow my own cover within seconds lol.  so so so many thoughts to get out, it gives me a headache sometimes.  most of the time i jus push it to the back of my empty head where there’s still room.  but today there is excitement in the air and my brain has picked it up… not literally of course.   but so much happening all at one time, its hard to take it in. 

super sensitive people are us creative lot.  it might be hard for you to understand this but we are a different breed.  Everything we see, hear, smell, touch, feel- is more sensitive then to the normal human being.  Have u ever wondered why creative people are usually the ones with the mental disorders and the ones with the guns to their heads?   its cos we FEEL so much, all the time, everywhere, everyday, every minute and every second.  a force that cannot be explained goes seeping into our pores and becomes like a drug to us.  one word- and an volcano of ideas erupts.  one image- and the blank pages of a book is filled. 

we fuel ourselves on whats around us and whats inside us.   like petrol keeps a car running, this super sensitivity to the world and to others and ourselves keeps us running.  its not like sniffing petrol tho and staying high on it.  there are ups and downs, emotions that are too overwhelming to even describe in words.  only maybe a picture, some fragmented words put together without making sense, a tune, a poem, a dance- can express it. 

how do we live in this constant atmosphere of feelings?   i duno.  im still figuring that one out… 

i must pry myself away from this computer before my entire being takes over and the irrational kicks in, if it hasnt already.  i oculd write and ramble for hours on this incredible psychadelic thing that seems to be going on here in the air but i dont think i could accurately describe it to you, even if i tried my very hardest. 

peace bro’s…

im a lover not a hater

x x corina

Remembering You

Posted by: Administrator Post date: May 17th, 2010

 I remember when I was a young girl and met you.  I thought you were funny, an outgoing crazy guy that always knew how to have fun.  You drew people towards you like a moth to the flame.  And I could tell that you loved.  You loved people- all types of people no matter where they were from or what their background was.  You had a cheeky smile and a hilarious personality, that would more then often get you into trouble.  You weren’t just a funny guy though.  I watched as you would put all your time and effort into helping people, serving people.  Doing whatever needed doing even if it inconvenienced you.  You were always ready to go the extra mile, even if you weren’t asked. 

 

I remember when I was a teenager and knew you.  You were like my big brother.  You always looked out for me and tried to protect me.  You defended me when everybody else turned against me.  You hung out with me and treated me like I was someone special.  You always looked for the best in me, though I struggled so much to see it myself.  You were there when I was hurting.  You were there when I was angry.  Or putting up a fight.  Or causing trouble.  Or just being me.  You were always there.  You made me laugh when I could see no other option but death.  You came and saw me at my worst and still loved me.  When they put me in the hospitals, you were there- playing connect4 with me and the other ‘crazy’ people.  You made me laugh.  You made them laugh.  When you came to those depressing white walled hospitals, you brought with you a sense of hope.  A trickle of light in the darkest places.  You cried for me when I couldn’t cry for myself.  You hoped for me when I had no hope.  You fought for me when everyone else had given up. 

 

I remember when I went to rehab.  I wrote you letters and you wrote me back.  I kept them as a reminder that someone back home was waiting for me to come back better and healthy.  I still kept them when I came home.  You were across the other side of the country but you still kept faith in me, believing that God would bring me through.  And he did.  And I came home better.  But only for a little while, before I fell back into the darkness.  But even when I did, you were still there.  And you never stopped believing in me. 

 

I remember when I grew up.  When we both did.  And you were my lover and I was yours.  You walked with me through the darkest times of my life.  You took the blame for what others had done, suffered the consequences that others deserved.  You loved me unconditionally no matter what I did.  I hurt you, and you hurt me, but you never left.  You promised me you would be there until the day I died, and prayed it would be a day in life later rather then sooner.  You stood by me and took it all- the good, the bad, the mess, the anger and pain, the constant tears that flowed from my eyes.  Bu through it all you taught me how to smile again. 

 

I remember the day you walked away.  A piece of me died, and the regret set in.  I’d driven you away, and this time you were really gone.  I saw YOU for the first time properly.  I saw the pain I’d caused you, the weariness in your eyes, the downcast spirit of your broken heart from me hurting you time and time again.  I saw how you had surrendered up your dignity to love me.  I felt what you felt for the first time, and it broke my heart.  The pain was so much I thought it would kill me.  But it didn’t.  The pain I’d felt for you was only a small glimpse of how you felt- what I’d put you through.  I saw how selfless you had been, and how selfish I had been.  I saw you through the eyes of love.  Not through the eyes of a young girl, or a rebellious teenager, or a helpless addict, a lover, a friend.  I saw YOU.    I saw you how God sees you.  How I should have seen you to begin with.  I saw where I’d gone wrong, where we’d gone wrong.   How you loving me with everything you had, had finally taken its toll on you.  I saw you burn out.  I saw you hit the road and collapse.  But I saw you get back up again. 

 

I remember you still.  In the dark hours when there is no noise.  When I have nothing to fill my mind and keep me busy.  I remember everything we’ve been through, and I wish now I could have treated you better.  But I cannot take back time.  I cannot change the past- only the future.  And how I see and treat you now.  If you ever wonder if you’ve lived your life right, then I can say that to me, you have.  You loved me with everything in you, and it changed my life.  You gave me hope, you spoke life to me, to never gave up.  You have walked your life IN LOVE.  And when I see you now and remember you, I pray that you have the strength to keep walking in love. 

 

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Love is patient.  Love is kind.  Love is not jealous, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude.  Love is not self conceited or easily angered.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not be glad about injustice but rejoices in the truth.  Love always believes, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

and im really really missing you.

Posted by: Administrator Post date: May 15th, 2010

its come to my realisation just how important our friends are…   they’re kind of like the base of a really good cheesecake- the base itself doesnt taste that great but it holds whats on top together… good friends are hard to come by- and without a good base all the good things of a friendship wouldnt last if love aint the foundation. 

missing my bestie who is currently in the east coast touring and recording, shes so talented =)  im so proud to have watched her come so far!   i remember the first time we met and i took a look at this young 13 yr old girl and knew we would play a huge role in each others lives… i just didnt realise at the time how big lol…

turns out now that we’re bff’s, live together, work together, do pretty much everything together haha!   and shes such a beautiful person inside and out!  we’ve watched each other get older, our lives changing all the time, and we’ve been there for each other through the good and bad.  age is so not even a big deal, im 5 years her older but its like god let us find each other, become friends and watch as our lives became more intertwined.  shes like my lil sis- sometimes i think i annoy her cos im a bit overprotective lol (just a bit).  but as i see her growing up into an amazing woman of god im so glad that God has brought her into my life and we can do this journey together. 

im missing her a lot right now… even tho shes only a phone call away.  but im so proud of everything shes doing and everything she’s accomplished… supermodel, singer… what next i wonder???

i thank god for all my dearest friends out there, those ppl who have never given up on me, walked thru life with me, taken me in, loved me, cared for me.  u all no who u are, and u each bring something special to my life that im so grateful for.  good friends truly are hard to find.  ull find that most ppl will only b able to count there real friends on one hand… im pretty sure i can count mine on two! =)  and thats no way a good thing about me- its about how great the people in my life are, and im just blessed to have them there and for them to let me be part of there world.  if it was about me i think i wouldnt have much to count for, but its about them….  those special people in our lives who are like our angels, making life just a little bit easier and helping u to carry the load. 

we all have those ppl in our lives who we love.  our deepest friendships come only out of love for one another, not ourselves.  its when we put those we love above our own needs, that we reap the blessings of amazing friendships. 

to all my beautiful amazing friends out there, i love u very much =) and thanku for loving me. xoxo

corina

and the light shall always overcome the darkness, even when it seems as tho there is no light

Posted by: Administrator Post date: April 5th, 2010

was watching lord of the rings today (such a great movie) and watching frodo baggins and his journey to destroy this ring of darkness.  got me thinking about life, my own life, others lives, and the daily constant battle we have between the light and dark surrounding us.  It seems as tho that when the light becomes brighter in my life, so the dark becomes even darker…

but what brings us to this point of the battle? how do we even know we are fighting a battle of light vs dark, or for some the other way round.  it hit me like a tonne of bricks just last week, as i watch amazing incredible things happen in my life, things that can only be the light of Jesus shining into my life… yet as these things, these events and great turning points in my life began to happen (and continue to) so the battle is intensified between light and dark.  I find myself at home by myself and its as tho a cloud of darkness hovers above me, waiting to come and cloud up my mind. 

Ive found myself on several occasions fleeing from my very own house, just to get out- break thru - this darkness and despair that seems to be awaiting me like death itself.  But with this immense amount of darkening thoughts and feelings of hopelessness, i am reminded each time that the light ALWAYS overcomes the dark..

it seeps thru the cracks of our messed up, muddled minds and somehow works its way thru to the very core of our being, enabling us, enabling me- to not succumb to the dark, but to fight it off with the light of God.  We are living in a battle, a constant war that will always plague us until our flesh dies, yet within the battle the power of good and light and hope triumphs over evil.  we may lose a few wars, but the battle itself, is not ours to win- for it has already been won by light. 

So lately, every evening as the sun goes down and the day becomes night, so it is in my mind also.  i pick up my sword and fight, and if not the strength, then i flee to the safety of where the light is.  Light isnt just from a globe or a power socket- it lies in each one of us.  and with the good also lies the evil- its just up to us which one we choose.  

And choose we must- for being flippant about the light and the dark, the good and the bad, will only end in being sucked into the evil- for evil has a beckoning voice that decieves the heart and mind.  a book that im reading says this;

“still…evil fascinates, because it has no fixed meaning- it remains a floating signifier, difficult to pin down to a definitive signified.  As that which is forbidden, it is often wrapped in a sense of the exotic, the surreal, and the extraodinary….that old news media axiom, ‘if it bleeds it leads,’ also extends to the larger pool of popular culture.  “  (Waddel, T. 2003)

so much truth in that sentence, and yet whilst the darkness is appealing to a part of us, there is another part laid beyond that, which goes deeper then any root of evil- and that is the will to do good.  yet again, im rambling on, not even sure if any of this makes sense…. but if the darkness is clouding over you, taking you into a morbid and surreal adventure, then stop and make a choice- do i want evil over good, or good over evil.  and if you want the light, it will ALWAYS come in thru the cracks of our brokenness and overcome the dark.

something mayb worth thinking about.

peace to u xox

corina

Silence sometimes says more than words

Posted by: Administrator Post date: March 10th, 2010

Silence. 

its not something that people like.

its awkward.

it carries a voice that is louder than words.

silence has power… both good and bad.

i have found in my lifetime that when i have been silent, bad things tend to happen.  not having a voice, or more likely not using your voice, affects the actions of us and others.  it allows things to happen that shouldnt.  it doesnt speak the truth.  it has power over you if you let it. 

i dont know what is worse. 

people knowing whats happened to me, or people knowing whats happened to me and not saying anything about it. 

i need some answers. 

God, where is ur justice? 

Why do people not stand up for what is right?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Are our govt systems in place just for a scare tactic?

Should people be innocent until proven guilty? or guilty until proven innocent?

a deep sadness comes upon me when i know that people know, yet they choose not to speak because its easier for them.  people dont want to get their hands dirty if it means helping somebody else.  why is our society so selfish, so self consumed in everything we do. 

If i could stand up for someone cos i know what happened was wrong, then i would.  im not scared to dabble in the mess of other peoples lives if it means helping them move on.  if my words could help one person, i’d say it.  its the power of our testimony that changes lives, changes people, actually lives out love.

with deep grief i have written,

corina