Remembering You

 I remember when I was a young girl and met you.  I thought you were funny, an outgoing crazy guy that always knew how to have fun.  You drew people towards you like a moth to the flame.  And I could tell that you loved.  You loved people- all types of people no matter where they were from or what their background was.  You had a cheeky smile and a hilarious personality, that would more then often get you into trouble.  You weren’t just a funny guy though.  I watched as you would put all your time and effort into helping people, serving people.  Doing whatever needed doing even if it inconvenienced you.  You were always ready to go the extra mile, even if you weren’t asked. 

I remember when I was a teenager and knew you.  You were like my big brother.  You always looked out for me and tried to protect me.  You defended me when everybody else turned against me.  You hung out with me and treated me like I was someone special.  You always looked for the best in me, though I struggled so much to see it myself.  You were there when I was hurting.  You were there when I was angry.  Or putting up a fight.  Or causing trouble.  Or just being me.  You were always there.  You made me laugh when I could see no other option but death.  You came and saw me at my worst and still loved me.  When they put me in the hospitals, you were there- playing connect4 with me and the other ‘crazy’ people.  You made me laugh.  You made them laugh.  When you came to those depressing white walled hospitals, you brought with you a sense of hope.  A trickle of light in the darkest places.  You cried for me when I couldn’t cry for myself.  You hoped for me when I had no hope.  You fought for me when everyone else had given up. 

I remember when I went to rehab.  I wrote you letters and you wrote me back.  I kept them as a reminder that someone back home was waiting for me to come back better and healthy.  I still kept them when I came home.  You were across the other side of the country but you still kept faith in me, believing that God would bring me through.  And he did.  And I came home better.  But only for a little while, before I fell back into the darkness.  But even when I did, you were still there.  And you never stopped believing in me. 

I remember when I grew up.  When we both did.  And you were my lover and I was yours.  You walked with me through the darkest times of my life.  You took the blame for what others had done, suffered the consequences that others deserved.  You loved me unconditionally no matter what I did.  I hurt you, and you hurt me, but you never left.  You promised me you would be there until the day I died, and prayed it would be a day in life later rather then sooner.  You stood by me and took it all- the good, the bad, the mess, the anger and pain, the constant tears that flowed from my eyes.  Bu through it all you taught me how to smile again. 

I remember the day you walked away.  A piece of me died, and the regret set in.  I’d driven you away, and this time you were really gone.  I saw YOU for the first time properly.  I saw the pain I’d caused you, the weariness in your eyes, the downcast spirit of your broken heart from me hurting you time and time again.  I saw how you had surrendered up your dignity to love me.  I felt what you felt for the first time, and it broke my heart.  The pain was so much I thought it would kill me.  But it didn’t.  The pain I’d felt for you was only a small glimpse of how you felt- what I’d put you through.  I saw how selfless you had been, and how selfish I had been.  I saw you through the eyes of love.  Not through the eyes of a young girl, or a rebellious teenager, or a helpless addict, a lover, a friend.  I saw YOU.    I saw you how God sees you.  How I should have seen you to begin with.  I saw where I’d gone wrong, where we’d gone wrong.   How you loving me with everything you had, had finally taken its toll on you.  I saw you burn out.  I saw you hit the road and collapse.  But I saw you get back up again. 

I remember you still.  In the dark hours when there is no noise.  When I have nothing to fill my mind and keep me busy.  I remember everything we’ve been through, and I wish now I could have treated you better.  But I cannot take back time.  I cannot change the past- only the future.  And how I see and treat you now.  If you ever wonder if you’ve lived your life right, then I can say that to me, you have.  You loved me with everything in you, and it changed my life.  You gave me hope, you spoke life to me, to never gave up.  You have walked your life IN LOVE.  And when I see you now and remember you, I pray that you have the strength to keep walking in love. 

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Love is patient.  Love is kind.  Love is not jealous, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude.  Love is not self conceited or easily angered.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not be glad about injustice but rejoices in the truth.  Love always believes, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

and im really really missing you.

its come to my realisation just how important our friends are…   they’re kind of like the base of a really good cheesecake- the base itself doesnt taste that great but it holds whats on top together… good friends are hard to come by- and without a good base all the good things of a friendship wouldnt last if love aint the foundation. 

missing my bestie who is currently in the east coast touring and recording, shes so talented =)  im so proud to have watched her come so far!   i remember the first time we met and i took a look at this young 13 yr old girl and knew we would play a huge role in each others lives… i just didnt realise at the time how big lol…

turns out now that we’re bff’s, live together, work together, do pretty much everything together haha!   and shes such a beautiful person inside and out!  we’ve watched each other get older, our lives changing all the time, and we’ve been there for each other through the good and bad.  age is so not even a big deal, im 5 years her older but its like god let us find each other, become friends and watch as our lives became more intertwined.  shes like my lil sis- sometimes i think i annoy her cos im a bit overprotective lol (just a bit).  but as i see her growing up into an amazing woman of god im so glad that God has brought her into my life and we can do this journey together. 

im missing her a lot right now… even tho shes only a phone call away.  but im so proud of everything shes doing and everything she’s accomplished… supermodel, singer… what next i wonder???

i thank god for all my dearest friends out there, those ppl who have never given up on me, walked thru life with me, taken me in, loved me, cared for me.  u all no who u are, and u each bring something special to my life that im so grateful for.  good friends truly are hard to find.  ull find that most ppl will only b able to count there real friends on one hand… im pretty sure i can count mine on two! =)  and thats no way a good thing about me- its about how great the people in my life are, and im just blessed to have them there and for them to let me be part of there world.  if it was about me i think i wouldnt have much to count for, but its about them….  those special people in our lives who are like our angels, making life just a little bit easier and helping u to carry the load. 

we all have those ppl in our lives who we love.  our deepest friendships come only out of love for one another, not ourselves.  its when we put those we love above our own needs, that we reap the blessings of amazing friendships. 

to all my beautiful amazing friends out there, i love u very much =) and thanku for loving me. xoxo

corina

and the light shall always overcome the darkness, even when it seems as tho there is no light

was watching lord of the rings today (such a great movie) and watching frodo baggins and his journey to destroy this ring of darkness.  got me thinking about life, my own life, others lives, and the daily constant battle we have between the light and dark surrounding us.  It seems as tho that when the light becomes brighter in my life, so the dark becomes even darker…

but what brings us to this point of the battle? how do we even know we are fighting a battle of light vs dark, or for some the other way round.  it hit me like a tonne of bricks just last week, as i watch amazing incredible things happen in my life, things that can only be the light of Jesus shining into my life… yet as these things, these events and great turning points in my life began to happen (and continue to) so the battle is intensified between light and dark.  I find myself at home by myself and its as tho a cloud of darkness hovers above me, waiting to come and cloud up my mind. 

Ive found myself on several occasions fleeing from my very own house, just to get out- break thru - this darkness and despair that seems to be awaiting me like death itself.  But with this immense amount of darkening thoughts and feelings of hopelessness, i am reminded each time that the light ALWAYS overcomes the dark..

it seeps thru the cracks of our messed up, muddled minds and somehow works its way thru to the very core of our being, enabling us, enabling me- to not succumb to the dark, but to fight it off with the light of God.  We are living in a battle, a constant war that will always plague us until our flesh dies, yet within the battle the power of good and light and hope triumphs over evil.  we may lose a few wars, but the battle itself, is not ours to win- for it has already been won by light. 

So lately, every evening as the sun goes down and the day becomes night, so it is in my mind also.  i pick up my sword and fight, and if not the strength, then i flee to the safety of where the light is.  Light isnt just from a globe or a power socket- it lies in each one of us.  and with the good also lies the evil- its just up to us which one we choose.  

And choose we must- for being flippant about the light and the dark, the good and the bad, will only end in being sucked into the evil- for evil has a beckoning voice that decieves the heart and mind.  a book that im reading says this;

“still…evil fascinates, because it has no fixed meaning- it remains a floating signifier, difficult to pin down to a definitive signified.  As that which is forbidden, it is often wrapped in a sense of the exotic, the surreal, and the extraodinary….that old news media axiom, ‘if it bleeds it leads,’ also extends to the larger pool of popular culture.  “  (Waddel, T. 2003)

so much truth in that sentence, and yet whilst the darkness is appealing to a part of us, there is another part laid beyond that, which goes deeper then any root of evil- and that is the will to do good.  yet again, im rambling on, not even sure if any of this makes sense…. but if the darkness is clouding over you, taking you into a morbid and surreal adventure, then stop and make a choice- do i want evil over good, or good over evil.  and if you want the light, it will ALWAYS come in thru the cracks of our brokenness and overcome the dark.

something mayb worth thinking about.

peace to u xox

corina

Silence sometimes says more than words

Silence. 

its not something that people like.

its awkward.

it carries a voice that is louder than words.

silence has power… both good and bad.

i have found in my lifetime that when i have been silent, bad things tend to happen.  not having a voice, or more likely not using your voice, affects the actions of us and others.  it allows things to happen that shouldnt.  it doesnt speak the truth.  it has power over you if you let it. 

i dont know what is worse. 

people knowing whats happened to me, or people knowing whats happened to me and not saying anything about it. 

i need some answers. 

God, where is ur justice? 

Why do people not stand up for what is right?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Are our govt systems in place just for a scare tactic?

Should people be innocent until proven guilty? or guilty until proven innocent?

a deep sadness comes upon me when i know that people know, yet they choose not to speak because its easier for them.  people dont want to get their hands dirty if it means helping somebody else.  why is our society so selfish, so self consumed in everything we do. 

If i could stand up for someone cos i know what happened was wrong, then i would.  im not scared to dabble in the mess of other peoples lives if it means helping them move on.  if my words could help one person, i’d say it.  its the power of our testimony that changes lives, changes people, actually lives out love.

with deep grief i have written,

corina

good morning perth =)

hello good morning… its 10.20am lol im starting to get used to the waking up early (like 9am haha) cos im back at uni.  dont have a clue half the time what theyre talkin bout…   god is so good! i get a free flights to anywhere in the world YAY!!!!  i cant wait! maybe asia, europe, the US.  hmmm the sky is the limit.  jus need to pay the bills first haha. 

being back at uni is so great.  creativity fuels the mind.  lots happening this year and its gona be good =)

time 4 me to peace out and go to uni.

corina

techno sucks

Ive come to the realisation that technology really does suck.. ironic- im sitting here writing on my laptop about how i hate technology.  but its almost like it has come to a point where it is robing us of any real sort of relationship that we might have with people, that our ways of communicating have turned into a “like” on facebook or following someone’s tweets or stalking a person’s profile on the net instead of actually meeting them b4 u decide to judge them. 

all the hype of the iphone i just dont get.  oh wow it had like 100 000 apps to do anything u want… now you can be so lazy that u dont even have to get up to do something… ITS ALL THERE ON UR PHONE JUST PRESS A BUTTON WIT UR FINGER. 

no wonder gen Y is becoming known as the laziest generation, that we cant hold down jobs, that we dont know how to work hard, that employers dont even want to hire a gen y to work for them.. its not that hard to see why… DUH!  cos looking up a street or road in the actual st directory is such a hard task- we need a computer voice gps telling us “turn right”.  they might as well say “TURN RIGHT YOU LAZY TWIT WHO CAN’T READ A ROADMAP”. 

now  i dont have an iphone, and i dont particularly want one either.  everyone says that u dont know how good it is until u have one but frankly im quite happy and grateful for a phone that jus works to call and txt ppl.  id rather spend 10 mins talking to someone on the phone or in real life then spend 30 mins talking to someone on facebook chat.  its like talking to someone with a blank wall for a face…  how exciting.  have we completely lost our senses and become like robots, attatched to these things called computers…. still, im finding it very ironic that im on one.  genY wat are we doing? sacrificing real people and real relationships for a screen???   yet i find myself with a facebook account and twitter and myspace and a website and blog.  LOL!  all this technology it is doing my head in…

IM BACK!

1st entry for 2010.  1 and a half months into a new year and its taken me this long to write again.  for awhile i lost my mojo for writing, my mind blank like a white wall…or beige rather.  but im back now and writing, painting, making art again. 

Last year presented itself with so many struggles.  its hard to see past a storm when ur in one.  but the storm did calm and life is good. not always peachy, actually very hard, but good all the same.  living in a new house, with new housemates (who are amazing), in the heart of Perth our glorious city.  i know what i want and im not holding back for anyone. 

Last year i learnt something.  unless YOU really want something, then it wont happen.  i wasted 6 months of my life and only added to the unending list of issues that i already have, but it wasnt until i got a giant wake up call and realised myself that life doesnt have to be this way.  Life doesnt have to be crap.  it doesnt have to be ruled by darkness.  freedom has come and its fighting its way thru to the finish line. 

i write to you now 14 days sober.  thats right, i quit drinking cos it was ruining my life.  it ruins lots of lives i just dont think that other ppl realise it.  getting off the grog and onto God has turned my world around.  my world that was once so small and insignificant, full of despair and depression, has been flipped upside down and dumped into the trash.  what lies ahead now is a huge world of possibilities.  God opened my eyes to see the things that i was doing was only damaging myself and the ppl who care. 

want to shout from the rooftops that JESUS SAVES!!!!!!!!!!  he saved me and he can save u too.  Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for they will see God.    sometimes you’ve gotta hit rock bottom before you can start climbing your way to the top. 

im excited to see what 2010 brings… what adventure and people and things lie ahead. i am excited about life!  yes it will have its trials… it already has… but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. 

glad to be back people.

stay tuned.

xoxox corina

nearly over…& the twilight revolution is bak on.

Coming up to the end of my art degree at uni, thats right- this fri is the big night which weve all been working so hard towards- our graduation show!  so excited!  at least i come out of this degree with more then just a certificate.  looking back on my last 3 yrs of uni and man, wat a journey its been.  all the ups and downs and rounds and rounds but its nearly over.  and then onto a yr of honours lol if i get in. 

saw twilight New Moon on the wknd- twice.  i couldnt believe it that wen i walked into hoyts on the wed night, there was a merchandise stand with everything Edward selling.  feel sorry 4 all those poor teenage girls out there who actually believe there is a man (or vampire) out there like edward cullin.  in a few yrs time theyll experience love and realise its not what they saw on the movies- in fact its hard hard work.  loving someone isnt just a good feeling, its loving them and showing it even when they piss u off or let u down.  Love always sees the best in people. 

its so funny (well not really) how we have this idea of love and romance in our head, and in one moment it can all come crashing down.  No guy or girl will ever fill that entire void that u feel.  No guy or girl can change someone just becos they love them.  i think thats the mistake that people make… going out with someone and trying to change them…. hoping that theyll change cos they love u… but it so doesnt work like that.  as much as i love twilight (& edward cullin lol) it really does set us up for failure in our relationships, if we let wat we see on the big screen shape our ideals and beliefs about love. 

maybe people change becos they love the ppl around them- but they wont change by someone trying to make them.  the world jus doesnt work like that.  people dont work like that.  i wish it was that simple.

talking to this artist today and i find him really inspiring, ive let his work and his words influence me and let me believe that im someone im not- that my art is representing me.  but i realised today, that im not who he thought i was.  maybe i was last yr, or 6 months ago, but the people i am living with now love me so much that i want to change for them- and i have.  slightly lol.  still getting there but ive found that change is a very long road.  that change can often take a lifetime for some.  and some will never change.  they are so comfortable and rigid in their old ways that their heart is stubborn and hard towards something that is new, that could be good or great or the best thing in their world!  it makes me sad, knowing that there are people in the world who will never change- never step out and get over their fears, or challenge wat they think about themselves, or stand up to something that is injust.  life is unfair.  we all get thrown shit in life and its whether we let it take control of us that determines how our quality of life will be.  do we give in to whats been dealt? or fight for a better life. 

hmmm…perhaps ive said too much.  leave u to think about it.

peace. 

corina.

on & on & on & on it goes

has been a long while since ive written.  things have been crazy busy with end of uni and the festive season beginning, and lots of things have changed.  But the fight is still going on.  Yes, it is a long hard and dusty road that i feel like im travelling on (or trying too at least when i dont fall down in the gutter)… 

this life in perspective doesnt really last that long, but yet things seem to go on forever.  the never ending choices that u have to make so u stay sane.  it sucks the energy out of u.  and whilst i feel like some of the darkness has left me, like shadows, they are still there.  emerging from the night and changing and shifting in the dark, playing with ur mind and whispering to u to come back into the darkness and play.  but at night, when shadows are all around, ive found out that all u have to do is jus turn on the light.  sounds so simple right? but finding the switch in the dark can sometimes take forever.

letting go of the past, hoping 4 the future, and tryin to do the best u can in the present- its a hard road.  some stuff just doesnt seem to want to let go.  no matter how hard u try to pull it off, it sticks on u like a leech, and sucks out ur blood- ur life- in the process. 

surely there is an answer???? an answer to all this madness and to the many questions that plague me daily.  yes- the answer is jesus.  and all we have to do is surrender it to him… its a pity that thats the hard part.  letting go and giving ur life to a god u cant see.  trusting in a miraculous god that created the universe and is omnipresent, omnipotent, yet loves unconditionally.  us mere humans need more help then we think.  Jesus is the answer, but are we really looking for the answers? or just living comfortably in our miserable existence hoping that all will turn out right in the end?  there are 6 billion people alive on the planet- i wonder how many of us are actually living.

all u need is love says Moulin Rouge

Have been thinking about this for the last few days.  Im sure everyone is familiar with the song from Moulin Rouge “All u need is love…..” and it pretty much says it all i think.  actually lol i dont know all the lyrics but i think it says it all in that sentence. 

staying with friends for the last month and they just been loving and loving and loving me.. and it changes u as a person.  living in a home full of love makes u love back- u can’t not.

love changes what u believe. what u think about urself and others.  love helps u to see past peoples flaws and mistakes and u just see the good in people.  i think lol.   think i need to LOVE sum more on people.  love my friends and family better.  love the people i most care about.  love is putting someone else b4 u- so ur not the number 1.  i think love can heal the world… and make it a better place.  4 u and for me and the entire human race LOL good ol’ michael jackson what a legend!  he says it all. 

gtg now, watching Aust Idol and finding it rather mean what the judges are saying and how they critisize so much. 

corina