why is everything so black and white? cant there be some shades of grey? for me, maybe not.  Ive always been an extreme person, no matter what im doing.  and right now life needs some changes.  its a pity that no one else can do the changing for me, cos thats the hard part.  I love the tv show Extreme Makeover Home Edition, where ty and his crew come in and totally transform a family’s house from scrap into a mansion!  unfortunately tho in real life… actually living, a team of specialists cant come in and do it for you.  they can help, and input, but they cant change you.  only you can change yourself…with a lot of help from god.  sometimes i dont think we can even change ourselves, maybe God is the only one who can change us from the inside out.  

I seem to have missed some key aspects of learning how to live when i was growing up.  its like I am a child, and i dont know how to look after myself sometimes.  Its hard to explain… something that comes so naturally to most of us people, i seem to be lacking.  Was it my crazy years of adolecence that skipped the part of growing up??? Sure im an adult, but inside im really still a teen.  perhaps we all are.  to some degree i think anyway. 

But, as much as i wish i could use it as an excuse forever, truth is that i cant- cos its affecting me but also the people in my life.  so its time to do some extreme make overs in my life…  what come first… hmmm.  DEMOLITION!!!!  of the old shit.  once thats knocked down you have to lay a new foundation.  Making over your life really is quite similar to making over a house or rebuilding.  its the same principles, one is just physical and working with concrete… the other is internal and working with our most potent part of us- the human heart.  

ok all this talk of makeovers is making me rather tired.  time for a sleep.  my dickhead housemate woke me up 2 mornings in a row when he got back from clubbing, he wanted to drink at 5.30 in the frikkin morning!!!!  i told him to piss off.  im not very nice when im tired. 

peace

corina

Days and nites are blurring into each other.  its hard to decipher what day it really is, what time, what place.  it seems like all this is just a dream.  Im waiting to wake up but i am living in reality, i just sometimes dont know it.  sometimes i wonder if this world is even real.

how can you tell reality from dreams. facts from fiction.  truth from lies.  living in this world is one bloody hard job sometimes.  is this life all just a dream? something i have conjured up in my imagination?  my mind plays tricks on me, and i get lost in the whirlpool of it all.  my head goes round and round.  Everything just seems so fickle. 

i need a reality check.  my mind is lost right now.

i find myself so extreme sometimes, so irrational and making these massive choices soooo impulsively and then i wake up to a big fat fucking consequence that i dont wana deal with. gotta laugh at life sometimes and the things we do, the things i do.  Most people probably wouldnt see them as very funny but hey, its either laugh or cry at our mistakes…. usually i do both.  though the laughing always seems to come after the crying. 

well skies are clear and blue 4 now… no more grey days.  hopefully the sun will keep shining and ill keep laughing….  man life is so unpredictable, and yet so predictable at the same time.  i confuse myself with my thoughts.  hmmm…. time to do some reading.  Am reading a book called “The Fall of Lucifer” atm by Wendy Alec and its a VERY interesting read…. (for those who like reading). 

peace 4 now.  Corina =)

“Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful, You might as well live.”

it seems that maybe she is right.  its like i am immortal.  not that i can fly thru walls or walk thru fire, but im, being kept here, imprisoned like an animal at a cage … so what is the point of trying to off ya self when you cannot seem to die.   there is no point.  might as well stay alive cos it seems that fate would have it that way anyway.  (whether i want to it or not). 

I am a miserable excuse for a life of existance.  My own pathetic self living this pathetic little life.  it aint all that grand.  a sadness has come upon me that cannot be ignored.  it lives in me day and nite, like its breeding itself throughout my entire being, slowly and painfully eating me up, surely from now until the day i die. 

I turned to you for peace and comfort, yet all i find is pain.  you bring it out of me- a never ending flow of tears that fall from my face, and how my heart aches.  It pains me all the time, carrying the load thats been put on me.  am i asking too much for you to take it from me and let go?

You let them hurt me and use me, i didnt know any better at that time.  Now i know better… not to trust and not to hope in your unseen promises you so constantly say to me.  you promised me good things, and it always hurts most when im with you.  you promised me friends and family, and i get judgement and looks of disgust- because they know what i do, what ive done, and to them i am shameless.  you promised a house full of your presence, and i come into your place where the predators and pediophiles reside.   Is there no where i can go that i am safe?  

and still i keep coming back to you, hoping, only just holding on.  Because there is nothing else left to hold onto.  I am a deer in the headlights.  Do i have the words tattoed on my forehead?  no i dont, but i have them carved into myself, so i constantly remember who i am and what ive done, where ive come from and where im going.  the scars will fade but they will always be there.  tiny traces of a life once lived that is consumed of hurt and guilt and shame.  

When will you come and take me home?

For now ill just have to trust in the words of Dorothy Parker and hope they get me through.

listened to a speaker tonight at church, he was talking about being a hippo… and wallowing.  lol i think thats wat he said anyway.  well i feel like a big fat hippo now, wallowing in my own self pity wondering where my life is going and if there is any chance that some good will come out of it.  sure i paint pretty pictures and take pretty photos-  i also take shocking photos and paint ugly pictures… not bad- just dark and depressive.  cos thats how i always seem to feel.   so much in the dark.  nite times creep up on me so soon everyday and i wonder where the sunshine has gone.  those warm rays of light that soak into your skin… yes those ones.  they are swallowed up by the darkness of the night, leaving me with nothing but a cold wet and dirty dark environment.  everything is black. or gray.  or white.  theres no colour when the sun goes down, thats how light works supposedly.   or matter of fact. 

if only there could be sun and rainbows and flowers and butterflies all the time so that i could sit and stare at them and drift off into my world of euphoria and feel the peace and the love of the trees and living creatures that breathe into the earths very being.  we are so small, our life span so short… a tree lasts hundreds of years and its roots go so deep into the ground.  we as humans however, dont seem to last that long.  we live, we die.  if ur lucky u mite make it to 80… maybe even 90.  but why the hell would u wana be around on earth for that long anyway.  the sooner the better.  ill go back to the garden of eden and live in paradise and all things will be beautiful.  no more hurt, no more pain, no more suffering or sickness or disease.  just a waterfall of love……….    i would like to go there soon.  i feel myself getting impatient.  have i not served my time on this earth, in this prison for long enough?  No. I haven’t.  Because its a life sentence.  bitch.

Time does not stop for anyone.  Or anything. 

I wonder when this never ending cycle will be broken, if it ever will be, and if there is really an eternal purpose in all of this. 

my heart does not stop beating though sometimes i wish it would. 

friends have come,  and then gone.  some have stayed on and bravely soldiered on with me in the battle, whilst others have given up the fight and left me at the front of the battlefeild to fend for myself. 

Apparently sometimes we can get a little bit too messy for people’s liking.  and thats when they go.  I dont blame them.  In the name of god they preach with their mouths and yet they speak contrite to the word.  i wonder if their own heart has been so damaged it hurts them to look at others who seem so defiled. 

what makes someone defiled?  too much for another human being to stand the sight of them?  We look at others and are disgusted by their actions, yet we dont realise that we are looking straight into a mirror… and we dont like what reflection we see. 

So its not a pretty picture….what to do, what to do? i ask myself that sometimes.  and i think well right about now would be a good time to hit up the psychs and get me a script.  Because of course, by societys standards, if we’re asleep, or perhaps just stoned off our head on meds, then we’re all ok. 

I did an art piece in 2007, my first year of uni- it was titled “Prozac Nation”.  my god it was an amazing piece of art.  its a pity it was destroyed from the rain and cold which ran the hundreds of pictures of prozac ink all together creating one big mess.  I wasnt smart enough back then to take pictures of my work… or document it.  maybe its time for “Prozac Nation #2″…. that would be fabulous.

So my time is ticking away and yes im wasting it writing on a computer… something that only a few people will ever read… unless i died then got famous- thats how it seeems to work for artists, only God knows why.  no one appreciates their work until no more of it can be made.  LOL.  how ironic.

the seasons of life are just washing over me.  passing me by like waves hitting the sand.  and each footprint forward i make it is erased by the water’s tide that constantly flows in… a metaphor for my angels and demons i suppose. 

I miss the old times.  good memories were made and terrible ones too.  but at least the people i made those memories with were a part of my life.   they are long gone now.  ‘caring’ from a distance, as they say.  I do not hold much knowledge or hope for the future memories.  they are blacked out by a darkness that is so comforting to me.  I know they are there, they are just covered, unrevealed and unknown.  another decade of hell?  or maybe i will see a little bit of heaven. 

AND NOW- the present.  it is this moment.  and i am floating through the clouds hovering over myself in this time.  watching, waiting, for the next thing to happen.  I see myself from above and below.   I am a stranger looking in.  And yet i am a prisoner looking out. 

i wonder when my time will come.  come for what, im not sure of.

when structure is lacking everything always seems to go a bit haywire i think.  its like in order for me to stay spontaneous and creative and feel alive, i need things in place, or i just go out of whack.  reading a lot…staying inside a lot … and generally trying to avoid the rain.  life seems rather dull atm and yet this is wen i should be conjuring up some great big mighty ideas of what im going to produce for my honours.  i already know what im gona do tho…

some neon signs, some more cross stitching, more photos, more drawing, more writing. more of everything really and ill see where the wind blows me. 

right now is a changing of seasons (not just literally) and im wondering whether this season is going to be a good or bad one.  ppl say its what u make it, but thats not totally true.  some things that happen are out of ur control.  they happen and all u can do is ur best to survive it.       i feel so tired lately and i dont know why…  maybe its the weather.  or not drinking enough coffee haha! 

corina

The amount of chemicals that are floating around my body and altering my state of thought, or whatever it is… emotions, rationality, intellect… my body has had its fair share of chemicals through it.  im surprised its lasted this long. 

i question whether this body is even real at all.  my dreams seem more real then my real life.  what does this real life even consist of i wonder.  atoms, neurons, magnetic flows of energy that somehow all work together to keep us breathing.  at the end of the day our bodies are just dust.  they will return to the ground and our spirit will live on.  thats why i wonder whether the physical is even real at all.  its just an interim- somewhere that we stay 4 awhile, like when ur at an airport changing flights, thats kinda how life is. 

when all is said and done i am still in this place of the unknowning.  im a foreigner here on this earth.  i want to go home.  this life is hard and painful and unjust.  no amount of police or govt rules or politics or good samaritans can change that.   i cry because i ache to go home.  be free of this body that i feel so trapped in and fly fly fly like a bird.  nothing to hold you down.  i am stuck in a place of ambivilance.  i am so pulled towards two completely different directions.  not even my creative mind can help me, in fact it is probably the problem in most cases. 

how do i control what is uncontrollable… not even all the medication in the world can help.  these symptoms of mind disorders, mental diseases, being fucked in the head- im so sick of it all and wish it would come to an end.  i scream and i dont even know why.  i cry and cant recognise wat it is im even feeling.  i lose my mind to a vast sea of emptiness where nothing and everything makes sense.  i am transported back in time to a moment in history without any warning.  will it ever cease?  i know that we can choose our destinys, where we go in life, but can we choose what chemicals in our brain are released in any single moment?  i dont know… thats one for the psychs to answer.  

if only the darkness would fade away, and i could see clearly.  like a car has windscreen wipers i need wipers for my eyes that would help me to see better.  or maybe just some glasses lol.  not really.  my sight is fine, just not the sight in my head.  putting up a fight takes a lot out of u.  im hoping i can have a break soon…..  but there are no tea breaks in a war.  so its not going to happen.  i am standing on a battlefield wounded and in pain, trying not to collapse, and yet the enemy strikes me again and again.  and then i strike myself to maybe hurry up the process, but it never does.  it only adds more wounds that need to be healed.  people around me stand and fight for me cos i have no strength left.  sometimes u just have to hope and rely on the people around u to get u thru sometimes, or hope that god will see u and have mercy on ur soul.  enough for now.

corina.

today it happened in my review and i stood there like a stunned mullet not speaking or doing anything really.   not even listening.   how terribly unfortunate for the review panel and my poor supervisor who had to step in as my mouth and speak 4 me.   my mind was numb, my mouth was mute.  and i couldnt tell you what went on or wat was said whilst standing in the room with the 5 reviewers.   i didnt hear a damn thing. 

this ‘dissasociation’ has been happening for years, and its really starting to PISS ME OFF!!!! how can someone lose control of their mind for a minute, or hour, or longer? i dont know.  i am baffled by it.  i am here and then im not.  my body might physically be with u but my mind isnt.  its somewhere else, floating aorund in the air or something like that i think.  

it is hard, coping with this thing- it constantly looms over me and i worry when it will happen next… i dont know.  i never do.  i do my best to deal with this thing that happens in my mind, however it works.  some neurons dont connect with others or something along those lines.   i wish i knew the answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

corina

my imagination can be a deadly virus i just dont ever seem to see the symptoms.  why is that i wonder? am i so blinded to my own stupidity?  or so deaf that i cannot hear my own words.  where does our rational come from, and who ever decided what what rational in the first place.. or more who decided what was IRrational….????? hmmmm was it the psychiatrists who were self medicating? (we all know they do it).   write a script up for ur patient and while ur at it write one for yourself.  i wonder if psychs are actually on crack, or if their 6 years of med school drove them all insane.  insane beyond the normal person, they just know how to cover it up. 

i dont know how people cover things up.  honestly i think i might be the worst liar in the world.  i laugh at myself when i know im lying and blow my own cover within seconds lol.  so so so many thoughts to get out, it gives me a headache sometimes.  most of the time i jus push it to the back of my empty head where there’s still room.  but today there is excitement in the air and my brain has picked it up… not literally of course.   but so much happening all at one time, its hard to take it in. 

super sensitive people are us creative lot.  it might be hard for you to understand this but we are a different breed.  Everything we see, hear, smell, touch, feel- is more sensitive then to the normal human being.  Have u ever wondered why creative people are usually the ones with the mental disorders and the ones with the guns to their heads?   its cos we FEEL so much, all the time, everywhere, everyday, every minute and every second.  a force that cannot be explained goes seeping into our pores and becomes like a drug to us.  one word- and an volcano of ideas erupts.  one image- and the blank pages of a book is filled. 

we fuel ourselves on whats around us and whats inside us.   like petrol keeps a car running, this super sensitivity to the world and to others and ourselves keeps us running.  its not like sniffing petrol tho and staying high on it.  there are ups and downs, emotions that are too overwhelming to even describe in words.  only maybe a picture, some fragmented words put together without making sense, a tune, a poem, a dance- can express it. 

how do we live in this constant atmosphere of feelings?   i duno.  im still figuring that one out… 

i must pry myself away from this computer before my entire being takes over and the irrational kicks in, if it hasnt already.  i oculd write and ramble for hours on this incredible psychadelic thing that seems to be going on here in the air but i dont think i could accurately describe it to you, even if i tried my very hardest. 

peace bro’s…

im a lover not a hater

x x corina