Ramblings of a begger
Posted by: Administrator Post date: June 14th, 2010The night is long, longer then the day. its not night but i feel the ddarkness closing in around me like a whirlpool of quicksand. slowly suffocating me as i try and get out. but the more i try, the quicker i sink. My mind is constantly playing tricks on me - it is hard to decipher reality from the imaginary… the real world and the world thats been created in my head. i wish i could explain to you. stepping into my mind is not a possibility tho, which is the only way u would ever figure me out.
The amount of chemicals that are floating around my body and altering my state of thought, or whatever it is… emotions, rationality, intellect… my body has had its fair share of chemicals through it. im surprised its lasted this long.
i question whether this body is even real at all. my dreams seem more real then my real life. what does this real life even consist of i wonder. atoms, neurons, magnetic flows of energy that somehow all work together to keep us breathing. at the end of the day our bodies are just dust. they will return to the ground and our spirit will live on. thats why i wonder whether the physical is even real at all. its just an interim- somewhere that we stay 4 awhile, like when ur at an airport changing flights, thats kinda how life is.
when all is said and done i am still in this place of the unknowning. im a foreigner here on this earth. i want to go home. this life is hard and painful and unjust. no amount of police or govt rules or politics or good samaritans can change that. i cry because i ache to go home. be free of this body that i feel so trapped in and fly fly fly like a bird. nothing to hold you down. i am stuck in a place of ambivilance. i am so pulled towards two completely different directions. not even my creative mind can help me, in fact it is probably the problem in most cases.
how do i control what is uncontrollable… not even all the medication in the world can help. these symptoms of mind disorders, mental diseases, being fucked in the head- im so sick of it all and wish it would come to an end. i scream and i dont even know why. i cry and cant recognise wat it is im even feeling. i lose my mind to a vast sea of emptiness where nothing and everything makes sense. i am transported back in time to a moment in history without any warning. will it ever cease? i know that we can choose our destinys, where we go in life, but can we choose what chemicals in our brain are released in any single moment? i dont know… thats one for the psychs to answer.
if only the darkness would fade away, and i could see clearly. like a car has windscreen wipers i need wipers for my eyes that would help me to see better. or maybe just some glasses lol. not really. my sight is fine, just not the sight in my head. putting up a fight takes a lot out of u. im hoping i can have a break soon….. but there are no tea breaks in a war. so its not going to happen. i am standing on a battlefield wounded and in pain, trying not to collapse, and yet the enemy strikes me again and again. and then i strike myself to maybe hurry up the process, but it never does. it only adds more wounds that need to be healed. people around me stand and fight for me cos i have no strength left. sometimes u just have to hope and rely on the people around u to get u thru sometimes, or hope that god will see u and have mercy on ur soul. enough for now.
corina.
